Frantically spewing excuses and desperately avoiding the inevitable, sophomore Bryan Carroll prefaced sharing his creative writing in a workshop class with 500 caveats.
“I just want everyone to know that I didn’t know the deadline for this assignment was today so I just wrote this really fast before class started,” said Carroll, hoping that his classmates would not see through his paper-thin excuse.
Filled with way too much detail about his life and exhibiting outlandish praise, a Brown Admirers post to William Jacobs was clearly written by Jacobs himself sources report. Jacobs commented on the post almost instantly, before anyone even had a chance to tag him in the comments, writing “Thanks so much!!! Needed this more than you know,” and went on to pen a long paragraph about all of the hard work he had been doing, concluding with an over the top thank you to the “anonymous” admirer.
Stating that no other club on campus could discourage and demoralize students on such a fundamental level, a report released Wednesday concluded that Undergraduate Finance Board meetings are the best place at Brown to simulate applying for and getting rejected for a loan.
Silently staring at the ground and kicking himself for not asserting himself, local man Stan Leonard watched powerlessly as the guy who repeated his joke louder and more confidently got all the credit. “I knew it was funny,” said Leonard about his joke commenting on the current political climate.
Changing his mind over and over again and weighing all of the pros and cons, high school drama teacher Ken Lassen stressed over whether to cast Cameron or Matt C. in the Hamilton Preparatory High School production of Grease.
“Matt C. has an amazing singing voice, but Cameron has gone to dance camp at the local community college for three consecutive summers,” Lassen said, gazing at makeshift headshots of the boys that he took in the school’s cafeteria.
A report released by the US Department of Agriculture on Wednesday concluded that boba is the perfect solution for consumers interested in having one hundred little balls of slime in their tea. “The demand for slime balls has never been higher and boba is the only viable solution,” reads the introduction of the report, which goes on to explain that people will actually pay extra for the slime balls to avoid drinking a normal cup of tea.
Accidentally glancing at his own reflection in a store window, local man Paul Gregory’s day was immediately ruined. “Usually I do a lot of psyching myself up before looking in the mirror,” said Gregory, sitting on a park bench with his head in his hands.
Explaining that his fellow fraternity brother really crossed the line by calling a girl a bitch to her face instead of behind her back, Kevin Helton confirmed that his Kappa Alpha brother William Staghouse is disrespectful to women, even by the fraternity’s low standards.
Giving patrons way too much change and drinking most of the lemonade himself, third grader Aiden Lassiter runs a lemonade stand that has been hemorrhaging money.
Despite his best efforts, Lassiter has failed to attract the necessary customers to turn a profit on the $5 his mom lent him to buy a box of Country Time Lemonade mix.
Mistaking saliva for cave slime and teeth for stalagmites, explorer Richard Winston was in for a big surprise Saturday as he entered a creature’s mouth thinking it was a big cave. “There sure is a warm, wet draft in this big cavern,” Winston said, struggling to keep his footing on the creature’s wiggling tongue and grasping for a handhold on the creature’s slippery cheeks.
Grinding her hand uncomfortably across her family’s golden retriever, local toddler Mary Phillips was petting the dog’s fur against the grain like an absolute moron. “It’s hard to watch,” said Phillips’s mother Jeanne, while her daughter smiled and laughed as if petting the dog this way was a completely normal thing to do.
Claiming that local man Mark Winston just gets a bad rap from the people who pay attention to him, sources reported Monday that Winston is actually a nice guy once you learn to ignore him. “His whiny voice and negative attitude don’t bother you much once you start to block him out completely,” said friend Robert Payne, as he declined a call from Winston and subsequently hid all of Winston’s Facebook posts from his newsfeed.
Heralding a new way of managing cemeteries, the head of the progressive Heaven’s Gates Cemetery announced that, starting next week, live people will be allowed to be buried on the grounds as well. “If we continue to think of cemeteries as places for dead people to go, they’ll continue to be a place just for dead people,” said Ron Willis, surveying the nearly five acres of land he has set aside for living people to come and be buried in.
Parishioners at St. Mark’s Holy Cathedral were reportedly dismayed to discover Father Daniel Gladstone smacking his lips together after taking a big sip of holy water.
Father Gladstone was spotted cupping his hands and reaching into the basin of holy water shortly after Mass ended on Sunday.
While shooting her newest documentary on climate change, filmmaker Bruna Damon appeared to be shaking the camera on purpose, sources report Tuesday. “This movie is going to reveal some hard truths about the future of our planet that others would rather ignore,” said Damon, flailing her arms up and down as she attempted to capture a shot of the White House.
Marking the organization’s largest acquisition in nearly a decade, officials from the Museum of Natural History announced on Monday that they would be unveiling a bunch of old bullshit by the end of the year.
“Up until now, most of our collection was comprised of some pretty old bullshit, as well as some more modern bullshit,” said curator Meredith Williams, who, in addition to overseeing acquisition and maintenance of bullshit for the museum, acts as the head of community outreach to ensure that everyone knows just how much old bullshit can be found in the building.
A question I’m often asked is “Bill, if you were walking down the street and saw a $100 bill on the ground, would you stop to pick it up?” My answer to that is as wealthy as I am, I was raised in a time where a hundred bucks was a lot of money, so of course, I would pick it up and use it as rolling paper.
Hoping to keep fans entertained at Friday’s hockey game at the University of Michigan, Zamboni operator Tom Henley performed nearly five minutes of tricks at halftime.
Wowing fans with his combination of technical skill and an innate sense of showmanship, Henley offered the audience an array of moves including a McTwist, a Fender Grab, and three ollies.
Local woman Sophia Eagleton reportedly discovered that she is getting old upon realizing she has no idea who the president is anymore. “The last time I seriously followed all that stuff was when I was in college,” said Eagleton, showing off her vintage Bush-Cheney campaign posters.
One-year-old Joshua Gay’s birthday party Saturday made absolutely no one happy, sources report. “More money down the tube,” said Gay’s father Richard as the magician, who all of the children were too young to understand and the adults too old to enjoy, packed up his things.
The party celebrating the wedding of Ryan Finley and Regina Sanders was the peak of the couple’s marriage, sources reported Saturday. The couple could be staring into each other’s eyes as they danced to their “song,” unaware that in a few short years they would fail to even crack a smile when it plays on the radio.
Sources report Tuesday that local woman Rashida Moran is disregarding the random assortment of images paired with the recording of Green Day’s “American Idiot” found on Youtube. “This album has been stuck in my head all day,” Moran said, averting her gaze from a picture of Billie Joe Armstrong shouting and waving an upside down American flag.
In a poll conducted this week, Gallup found that nearly 56 percent of Secret Service agents remain uncommitted as to who they would like to protect and possibly die for over the next four years. The poll, which was conducted over the telephone, found that Hillary Clinton’s email scandal and Donald Trump’s history of controversial statements prevented most agents from being excited to lay down their lives for either candidate.
On a routine checkup this past week, Doctor Louis Greenberg high-fived patient Mitch Schulman upon hearing that he was sexually active.
After checking Schulman’s blood pressure, Greenberg “got straight to the good stuff,” asking if his patient of five years had “bumped uglies yet,” to which Schulman quickly responded, “Hell yeah.”
“That’s my boy,” Greenberg said, patting his patient on the back.
Bee keeper Richard Matthews seems like he enjoys this whole beekeeping thing a little too much sources report. The man who practiced the trade for nearly 15 years allegedly smiles way too often.
“I find bees to be an infinitely fascinating subject,” Matthews said with an unnecessary amount of enthusiasm in his voice.
Sources at the Grand Canyon report that every tourist’s mouth is agape. Most visitors were unavailable for comment due to their mouths being wide open.
“Ahh,” said Matt Irvine, father of three visiting the natural wonder for the first time with his children.
Sources report that everyone on the 3 from Providence to Warwick has tacitly agreed to pretend that the guy reading “Mein Kampf” isn’t there. “I don’t think he’s reading it for school or anything like that,” said passenger Mark Plimoth, nervously eying the otherwise normal man finishing up the trade-union chapter of Adolph Hitler’s autobiography.
Sources report that area restaurant Mike’s offers customers three different culinary options, including Thai, Greek, and Mexican, that certainly aren’t gross. “I mainly come here for the pad thai,” says long time customer Corina Stern, chewing on a piece of tofu as a poster of Greece hung in the background.
Sources report that five-year-old Melissa Erlich’s collection of toys which, among other damaged goods, consists of a limbless doll, a scratched miniature car, and a slinky with a fucked up coil was close to sentience before being ruined. “This looks like the perfect new house for Mr.
A group of students had an amazing time this past weekend putting on the most precious skit in the Production Workshop Upspace. Sources report the cute little play called “Waterworld,” a devised retelling of the Herman Melville classic Moby Dick from the perspective of Moby as a precocious preteen, was loads of fun and even had a message.
After over seven years in office, President Obama finally admitted his love for the American people on Tuesday. From the East Room, Obama professed that he’s been too reticent in the past and now was the time to change that.
“Enough with the games, I’m in love,” Obama said after approaching the podium with flowers in hand.
In a moment of carelessness, area man Mason Daniels reportedly spilled a glass of water on his brand new Tesla Model S, destroying it.
“Shit,” said Daniels, frantically trying to wipe the water off his $70,000 vehicle. “I just got this thing.
The Yankees announced on Friday morning that they have signed a Louisville Slugger UPM 45 Blue Flame Pitching Machine to a contract worth $6 million over the course of two years. The contract, with a player option to extend it for another year, is a coup for the team that has been looking to strengthen its bullpen.
Local four-year-old Spencer Williams has reportedly decided to go on timeout for a few minutes to take stock of his life. “It feels like just yesterday that I was a toddler and had all the time in the world to myself,” said the child, thumb in mouth.
President Barack Obama has reportedly grounded his daughter, Malia, for two weeks after he discovered a destroyed Air Force One on the White House lawn. “God damn it,” Obama said while on hold with AAA. “I told her that I didn’t want her piloting that thing after 9 p.m., but she didn’t listen.
Repeating what has become regular practice, Author Stephen King let out a sigh as he struggled to think of at least one nice monster he could write about, sources reported Monday. Crumpling up another sheet of paper, King expressed his fears that he might be stuck writing exclusively about scary monsters his entire career.
After taking a semester off from teaching, Professor Kevin Mercer returned to the classroom absolutely ripped, students report. Mercer, a tenured faculty member in the History department, ostensibly spent his leave doing research for his upcoming book, but from the looks of it he got in substantial gym time as well.
The greatest threat facing democracy in the U.S. today is the power of corporations to pour unlimited funds into—hold on just one second. I’m supposed to be writing this opinion piece for the New York Times, not the Brown Noser. Was there some sort of mix up or something? If that’s the case, no problem.
Sources report that local city councilman Seth Yurdin can shake hundreds of hands per minute, a feat that has helped him become one of the most popularly elected officials in Providence history. Although Yurdin has failed to distinguish himself on any particular policy issues, his capacity to enthrall crowds with his incredibly efficient handshaking is unmatched.
A guitar once used by Elvis Presley was sold on Monday at a Sotheby’s auction for an obscene amount of $$$, sources report. The guitar was purchased by a private buyer who will donate it to be housed @ the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland.
Local career counselor Janet Spencer reportedly advises every student that they should become a career counselor like her. “It’s a tough job market out there,” said Spencer, handing her advisee a pamphlet depicting a career counselor handing a student a pamphlet.
Sources report that NBA referee Tom Jenkins is constantly interrupting gameplay in order to show everyone his cool tricks. Although Jenkins is repeatedly reprimanded by his fellow referees, he can’t help but whip out his cool moves everytime he comes in possession of the ball.
Not everyone might be so excited about my candidacy, but they’re going to have to face the fact that a Hillary Clinton presidency is inevitable. It’s just going to happen. In fact, the only way it doesn’t happen is if people don’t vote for me.
Upon trying to log in to his online bank account, local man Richard Harper was dismayed to realize that he had forgotten what a password is. “I know it’s supposed to keep my account safe,” said Harper, struggling to remember if a password was literally a word or if it could be a phrase.
Local man Louis Mitchell, who quite frankly has had it up to here, is only raising his hand slightly above his waist, sources confirm. “I’ve tried to be accommodating, but, to be honest, I have about this much patience left,” said Mitchell, spreading his arms far away from each other. “If I’m the only one taking what we’re doing seriously, I might as well just take all my things and go home right now.” A short time later, Mitchell reportedly agreed to stay and sit quietly.
On the cusp of reaching his middle age, Daniel Black has yet to decide whether he wants to keep growing older or start to age backwards. Faced with the momentous decision to either continue to decay until his death or gradually revert to an infant state and eventually disappear into nothing, Black has been carefully weighing his options regarding how he’d like to spend his last forty years on Earth.
Kelly Johnson, the only student in Mr. Matthews’ fourth period history course, is reportedly a total teacher’s pet. Solely due to the fact that there is no other student in the room during the hour-long class, Johnson is known as Mr. Matthew’s favorite.
Announcing the top 20 songs of the week, Billboard has confirmed that once again “Party” by the Party Boys has topped the charts. The song, which is four minutes of a man saying “party” over and over in a monotone voice, has been hailed for its creative use of the word “party.”
The process of creating the song was reportedly very difficult.
In an attempt to quickly resolve the issue, National Basketball Association players and owners met all day Monday to discuss the National Basketball Player Association’s demand for shorter hoops.
The Monday meeting was fraught as NBPA President Chris Paul and NBA commissioner Adam Silver argued over the fair height of regulation basketball hoops.
Students at Wilshire Elementary School report that their teacher’s trick for remembering the planets of the solar system doesn’t really work. The mnemonic “Most Villains Engage Mostly Jovial Students Using Nice” is fraught with problems according to those in Mr.
When asked on Monday what led him to seek the world record for most apples crushed with biceps, titleholder Joseph Rodriquez responded that it was the possibility of regaining Julia’s love that kept him going.
Rodriquez, who crushed 12 apples with his biceps in one minute, trained for months on end to achieve the one feat that would bring him back into the good graces of the only woman he’s ever loved.
Nine-year-old Sally Wilson just unabashedly lies to her diary, sources confirmed Tuesday. The little girl who apparently has no moral compass regularly plays hard and fast with the truth in nearly every area of her life from who won her school’s reading contest to whose birthday parties she was invited to.
Sources confirm that the personal trainer to local personal trainer, Mitchell Kramer, is nearly a giant. Reportedly, Kramer spent months searching for a personal trainer before finding the only one who was big enough to train one who trains others.
Kramer claimed that he had given up hope that he would ever find a suitable personal trainer until he discovered the behemoth.
What came as a surprise to absolutely no one, Pastor Dan Wainwright revealed to his congregants that his favorite book was the Bible. When asked the question while greeting worshipers after Sunday mass, Wainwright didn’t skip a beat before saying the Bible.
That’s right, folks, you heard it here first. It’s true what they say: freedom ain’t free. But guess what? Over here at Bob’s Freedom Shop, you can buy it for half off. Sounds too good to be true? Well, do you know what else sounded too good to be true? A little document called the Constitution, but 250 years later it’s still holding strong, and I’m selling freedom at a steeply discounted price.
Time is an unstoppable force. Every man, no matter how great in life, eventually succumbs to the inevitability of time. Me, however, I’m different. Time’s waiting in the car for me, while I grab a drink and sandwich quickly.
Great artists, poets, thinkers: it seems like everything they create is a way to reconcile themselves with their mortality.
Despite being widely hailed as a beautiful sign of spring, the chirps of the birds heard throughout the country are actually pretty fucked up, sources report.
Sources report that local doorman Sal Schwarz is a pro at the outs, but still struggles with the ins. The doorman of 17 years knows exactly what to do when people are leaving his building, but is often at a loss when they enter.
At his 8th Avenue apartment complex, Schwarz can often be seen confidently opening the door for residents exiting the building.
Energy drink company Red Bull just announced a new multimillion-dollar ad campaign that is sure to impress, until you realize they’re just selling Red Bull. Sources report that Red Bull hired a professional stuntman to BASE jump through a ring of fire into the Grand Canyon, a truly impressive feat certainly diminished by the fact that it’s just being used to get people to buy Red Bull.
In a development that has rocked the financial world, the stock market ticked a lot today. This includes loud ticks, soft ticks, and a few really loud ticks.
Although the general mood among traders on the floor was that these ticks were not good, some were quite pleased by all of the ticks.
Sources report that area man Brendan Kaufman is once again checking his email. Despite having clicked the refresh button on his browser just a little bit ago, the sad man figured there’s no harm in checking again. “When I’m bored I just like to check it a lot.
Using the time to proffer his own views on the topic, local weatherman Howard Brown ends each day’s forecast by reminding viewers that global warming is a hoax created by the government.
Thank you all for being at my press conference today. Before I take any questions, I’d just like to make clear that although the entire team played an incredible game today, I would be nothing without gravity. I can get all the awards in the world, but they mean nothing to me without acknowledging the truly immense role gravity has played in my life.
According to a report released by the Music Teachers National Association, Ludwig van Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony is considered the best classical song ever written by authorities who only listen to the first few notes of songs. “Despite the extraordinary number of compositions with cool opening chords, it appears that there is widespread agreement in the music community that Beethoven chose the best ones to open the Fifth Symphony,” said lead researcher Andy Simmons, adding that no one surveyed could remember what comes next, but it didn’t matter because the first part was so good.
In a surprising conclusion to a seemingly straightforward armed robbery trial, skilled defense attorney Howard Voelker convinced Judge Louis Bancroft of his own guilt. “I know I didn’t commit the crime, but I’m a defense attorney. My job is to win my case, and I stop at nothing.
On days when running this country just becomes too stressful, I sit back and imagine that America is a spaceship, and I’m the captain. Plus, I have complete power over the crew and the universe. This job is trying, so at times the only way to cope is by picturing myself at the helm of a large spaceship, controlling every last bit of matter in existence. It’s a silly little day dream, but it helps get me through the day, you know?
Sources report that in his first conversation with his new peers, Joshua Soule ‘18 gave up all plans to present a cooler, more confident version of himself. “Before getting to school, I had decided to introduce myself as ‘Josh,’" said Soule, “but when asked my name, ‘Joshua’ just came out and I realized I can’t hide from who I really am.
Upon being asked by student Lisa Yu how his summer was, Professor Larry Moss replied, “Great, thanks for asking.” When Yu continued to ask if he had done anything fun, Moss said, “Nothing too exciting. It was pretty low key." Moss proceeded to describe his summer in the most vague and impersonal way as possible.
Sources report that users of the popular website Yelp were bewildered to find a rave review only award four stars to the local bistro The Flying Goose. “I just don’t get it. I’ve never read anyone write about a restaurant in such glowing terms,” said David Larkins, who stumbled upon the review when looking for a restaurant for dinner.
Local man Joey Stanton’s only sense of power over his life reportedly comes from the amount of time he waits before responding to a texts from his friends and family members. Stanton, who spends approximately 60 hours a week catering to his boss’s whims and going along with whatever his friends and girlfriend want to do, feels immense pleasure when he waits for a few minutes before replying to a text.
Dilbert’s coworkers have reported that recently it seems like Dilbert is fed up with the gross incompetency, micromanagement and soul crushing bureaucracy of his work place. After years of working hard despite the clear disinterest and even disdain of middle and upper management, Dilbert is beginning to believe that no matter what he does he will be stuck in his dead end job forever.
Life is not easy. In this modern day and age, people waste so much energy worrying about trivial things. Everyone thinks they need to be the best at everything, and it’s quite easy to lose sight of what’s most important, namely winning. That’s why, if you ever feel too stressed, just take a deep breath and remind yourself that as long you have the most money by the time all the LIFE tiles have been turned over you will be fine.
Local man Howard Smith unknowingly wasted his Saturday afternoon reading political predictions for the 2016 presidential election, oblivious to the fact that the outcome of the 2016 election, as well as that of the next four elections, has already been decided by Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase.
As head of the U.S. Senate Intelligence committee, I understand the threat Edward Snowden’s leaks pose to American lives and interests. If Snowden wants to be able to claim the proud mantle of civil disobedience, he must return to the country to face the consequences of his actions.
Local gamer Matt Davis yesterday expressed relief that the carnage and suffering depicted in the popular first-person shooter were a thing of past.
“10 of my online comrades were shot this morning,” said Davis. "I sent those men to die as if they were expendable.
At a press conference earlier today, President Barack Obama announced that after years of fighting, the United States must ramp up its efforts in the War on Pakistani Grandmothers.
Obama called the decision to escalate the war “one of the most difficult” of his presidency.
Inhabitants of Plains, Ga. were surprised to discover that “Old Farmer Carter” was once the President of the United States of America.
Local high school student Ben McCarthy made the discovery on Tuesday after reading a chapter on the 1976 presidential election in his history textbook.