Friday, October 20, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Jordan Stein

Editor-in-Chief

Jordan's articles

Student Film Exhibits Bad Production Values, Overarching Message | Apr 21 2017

Exhibiting shaky camera work and a muddled, wrong-headed theme, a student film exhibited at the Ottawa Film Festival not only treated audiences to an exhibition of bad production values, but a terrible overarching message as well, sources reported Tuesday.

Gross Middle School Cafeteria Working Double Duty As Filthy Middle School Auditorium | Apr 21 2017

Folding up a disgusting table to make room for even more disgusting folding chairs, Jefferson Prep principal Margaret Olsen transformed the gross middle school cafeteria into a filthy middle school auditorium sources reported Tuesday. “Ideally an auditorium wouldn’t be this sticky,” said Olsen, trying to get the dust out of the clearly unsalvageable curtains hanging at the back of the stage that also serves as the area for all the kids to set their lunch boxes before recess.

“Ace Of Cakes Chef Must Just Live In Big Cake By Now,” Thinks Local Woman | Apr 21 2017

Stating that chef Duff Goldman from Food Network’s “Ace Of Cakes” must have really taken things to the next level by now, local woman Jessica Ramirez figures that the guy is probably living in a big cake at this point, sources reported Monday.

Report: All Airline Passengers Gross In His Or Her Own Way | Apr 21 2017

According to a report released Monday by the Federal Aviation Administration, every person on all domestic and international flights is gross in his or her own way. “When we first began our research, we knew that a lot of people on airplanes were gross,” said Michael Huerta, head of the FAA.

Local Man Only Brushing Teeth At 30% Intensity This Morning | Apr 21 2017

Sighing at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, local man Todd Christopher was only able to muster 30% intensity while brushing his teeth this morning. Sources report that Christopher barely wet his toothbrush and didn’t attempt to squeeze more toothpaste out of the container when most of it fell off the brush into the sink.

Clark Kent Runs Away Every Time Something Scary Happens And It’s Starting To Make Me Think He’s A Big Coward By Jimmy Olson | Apr 21 2017

Clark Kent is my best friend. He’s a really good guy and a talented reporter, but recently a lot of bad things have been happening all over Metropolis, and every time something scary happens, Clark bolts. I don’t see him again until the city is safe and the threat is gone.

Hey Professor, I Can’t Make It Today Because I’m Sick… Sick Of Your Bullshit! | Apr 21 2017

Hi Professor Richardson, I just wanted to let you know that unfortunately I won’t be in class today because I’m sick… sick of your BULLSHIT. I woke up feeling okay, but as the day went on and it got closer and closer to class time, I remembered that I would have to listen to you talk for fifty minutes, and illness overcame me.

Guy Writing Wikipedia Article For Dabbing Clearly In Dark Place | Apr 21 2017

Meticulously researching the dispute between Skippa Da Flippa and Migos over who originated the dance, Harris Richardson, the man writing the Wikipedia article for dabbing, is obviously in a dark place sources reported Thursday. According to friends, Richardson has been sporadically checking the Wikipedia page for “Dab (dance)” all week in an effort to ensure that it’s as up-to-date and comprehensive as possible – an obvious sign that things have not been going well at work.

Report: Everyone With “Swell” Water Bottles A Little Too Into Them | Apr 21 2017

Explaining that they aren’t that great, a report released by Stanford University confirms that everyone who has a “Swell” water bottle is a little too into it. In preparing the report, researchers spoke to hundreds of users of the product, finding that they were all just as annoying about it as you would expect.

Crosswalk Sign Changes From “Walk” To “Don’t Walk” Unbelievably Fast | Apr 21 2017

Catching pedestrians off guard and confusing the flow of foot traffic, sources report that one crosswalk sign on Maple St. changes from “walk” to “don’t walk” unbelievably fast. “I started walking right when the ‘walk’ sign came up,” said pedestrian Steph Moore as she did a little jog to hurry across the road in time while also waving and mouthing “sorry” to a car waiting at the light.

Guy Preparing To Share In Creative Writing Class Prefaces Work With Five Hundred Caveats | Mar 17 2017

Frantically spewing excuses and desperately avoiding the inevitable, sophomore Bryan Carroll prefaced sharing his creative writing in a workshop class with 500 caveats. “I just want everyone to know that I didn’t know the deadline for this assignment was today so I just wrote this really fast before class started,” said Carroll, hoping that his classmates would not see through his paper-thin excuse.

Brown Admirers Post Clearly Written By Subject | Mar 17 2017

Filled with way too much detail about his life and exhibiting outlandish praise, a Brown Admirers post to William Jacobs was clearly written by Jacobs himself sources report. Jacobs commented on the post almost instantly, before anyone even had a chance to tag him in the comments, writing “Thanks so much!!! Needed this more than you know,” and went on to pen a long paragraph about all of the hard work he had been doing, concluding with an over the top thank you to the “anonymous” admirer.

Report: UFB Meeting Best Place On Campus To Simulate Getting Turned Down For A Loan | Mar 17 2017

Stating that no other club on campus could discourage and demoralize students on such a fundamental level, a report released Wednesday concluded that Undergraduate Finance Board meetings are the best place at Brown to simulate applying for and getting rejected for a loan.

Guy Who Said Joke Too Quietly Watches Helplessly As Guy Who Repeated It Louder Gets All The Credit | Mar 17 2017

Silently staring at the ground and kicking himself for not asserting himself, local man Stan Leonard watched powerlessly as the guy who repeated his joke louder and more confidently got all the credit. “I knew it was funny,” said Leonard about his joke commenting on the current political climate.

High School Drama Teacher Stresses Over Whether To Cast Cameron Or Matt C. As Danny Zuko | Mar 17 2017

Changing his mind over and over again and weighing all of the pros and cons, high school drama teacher Ken Lassen stressed over whether to cast Cameron or Matt C. in the Hamilton Preparatory High School production of Grease. “Matt C. has an amazing singing voice, but Cameron has gone to dance camp at the local community college for three consecutive summers,” Lassen said, gazing at makeshift headshots of the boys that he took in the school’s cafeteria.

Report: Boba Perfect Solution For People Who Want One Hundred Slime Balls In Their Tea | Mar 17 2017

A report released by the US Department of Agriculture on Wednesday concluded that boba is the perfect solution for consumers interested in having one hundred little balls of slime in their tea. “The demand for slime balls has never been higher and boba is the only viable solution,” reads the introduction of the report, which goes on to explain that people will actually pay extra for the slime balls to avoid drinking a normal cup of tea.

Area Man's Day Ruined After Accidentally Seeing Own Reflection | Mar 17 2017

Accidentally glancing at his own reflection in a store window, local man Paul Gregory’s day was immediately ruined. “Usually I do a lot of psyching myself up before looking in the mirror,” said Gregory, sitting on a park bench with his head in his hands.

One Guy In Frat Disrespectful To Women, Even By Frat’s Standards | Mar 17 2017

Explaining that his fellow fraternity brother really crossed the line by calling a girl a bitch to her face instead of behind her back, Kevin Helton confirmed that his Kappa Alpha brother William Staghouse is disrespectful to women, even by the fraternity’s low standards.

Third Grader's Lemonade Stand Hemorrhaging Money | Mar 17 2017

Giving patrons way too much change and drinking most of the lemonade himself, third grader Aiden Lassiter runs a lemonade stand that has been hemorrhaging money. Despite his best efforts, Lassiter has failed to attract the necessary customers to turn a profit on the $5 his mom lent him to buy a box of Country Time Lemonade mix.

Explorer Mistaking Creature's Mouth For Big Cave In For Quite The Surprise | Mar 17 2017

Mistaking saliva for cave slime and teeth for stalagmites, explorer Richard Winston was in for a big surprise Saturday as he entered a creature’s mouth thinking it was a big cave. “There sure is a warm, wet draft in this big cavern,” Winston said, struggling to keep his footing on the creature’s wiggling tongue and grasping for a handhold on the creature’s slippery cheeks.

Toddler Brushes Dog's Fur Against The Grain Like Some Kind Of Idiot | Mar 17 2017

Grinding her hand uncomfortably across her family’s golden retriever, local toddler Mary Phillips was petting the dog’s fur against the grain like an absolute moron. “It’s hard to watch,” said Phillips’s mother Jeanne, while her daughter smiled and laughed as if petting the dog this way was a completely normal thing to do.

Man Pretty Nice Once You Get To Ignore Him | Dec 09 2016

Claiming that local man Mark Winston just gets a bad rap from the people who pay attention to him, sources reported Monday that Winston is actually a nice guy once you learn to ignore him. “His whiny voice and negative attitude don’t bother you much once you start to block him out completely,” said friend Robert Payne, as he declined a call from Winston and subsequently hid all of Winston’s Facebook posts from his newsfeed.

Progressive Cemetery To Allow Live People To Be Buried Too | Dec 09 2016

Heralding a new way of managing cemeteries, the head of the progressive Heaven’s Gates Cemetery announced that, starting next week, live people will be allowed to be buried on the grounds as well. “If we continue to think of cemeteries as places for dead people to go, they’ll continue to be a place just for dead people,” said Ron Willis, surveying the nearly five acres of land he has set aside for living people to come and be buried in.

Irresponsible Priest Always Drinking The Holy Water | Dec 09 2016

Parishioners at St. Mark’s Holy Cathedral were reportedly dismayed to discover Father Daniel Gladstone smacking his lips together after taking a big sip of holy water. Father Gladstone was spotted cupping his hands and reaching into the basin of holy water shortly after Mass ended on Sunday.

Documentary Filmmaker Must Be Shaking Camera On Purpose | Dec 09 2016

While shooting her newest documentary on climate change, filmmaker Bruna Damon appeared to be shaking the camera on purpose, sources report Tuesday. “This movie is going to reveal some hard truths about the future of our planet that others would rather ignore,” said Damon, flailing her arms up and down as she attempted to capture a shot of the White House.

Museum Of Natural History Acquires Some More Old Bullshit | Dec 09 2016

Marking the organization’s largest acquisition in nearly a decade, officials from the Museum of Natural History announced on Monday that they would be unveiling a bunch of old bullshit by the end of the year. “Up until now, most of our collection was comprised of some pretty old bullshit, as well as some more modern bullshit,” said curator Meredith Williams, who, in addition to overseeing acquisition and maintenance of bullshit for the museum, acts as the head of community outreach to ensure that everyone knows just how much old bullshit can be found in the building.

If I Saw A $100 Bill On The Ground, I Would Stop To Pick It Up, Then Roll It Into A Blunt And Smoke It By Bill Gates | Dec 09 2016

A question I’m often asked is “Bill, if you were walking down the street and saw a $100 bill on the ground, would you stop to pick it up?” My answer to that is as wealthy as I am, I was raised in a time where a hundred bucks was a lot of money, so of course, I would pick it up and use it as rolling paper.

Zamboni Driver Wows Audience With Wheelie At Halftime | Dec 09 2016

Hoping to keep fans entertained at Friday’s hockey game at the University of Michigan, Zamboni operator Tom Henley performed nearly five minutes of tricks at halftime. Wowing fans with his combination of technical skill and an innate sense of showmanship, Henley offered the audience an array of moves including a McTwist, a Fender Grab, and three ollies.

Thirty-Something Who No Longer Recognizes The President Realizes She's Getting Old | Nov 04 2016

Local woman Sophia Eagleton reportedly discovered that she is getting old upon realizing she has no idea who the president is anymore. “The last time I seriously followed all that stuff was when I was in college,” said Eagleton, showing off her vintage Bush-Cheney campaign posters.

Infant’s First Birthday Party For No One | Nov 04 2016

One-year-old Joshua Gay’s birthday party Saturday made absolutely no one happy, sources report. “More money down the tube,” said Gay’s father Richard as the magician, who all of the children were too young to understand and the adults too old to enjoy, packed up his things.

Wedding Reception High Point Of Marriage | Nov 04 2016

The party celebrating the wedding of Ryan Finley and Regina Sanders was the peak of the couple’s marriage, sources reported Saturday. The couple could be staring into each other’s eyes as they danced to their “song,” unaware that in a few short years they would fail to even crack a smile when it plays on the radio.

Local Woman Listening To Music Through YouTube Ignores Slideshow Accompanying It | Nov 04 2016

Sources report Tuesday that local woman Rashida Moran is disregarding the random assortment of images paired with the recording of Green Day’s “American Idiot” found on Youtube. “This album has been stuck in my head all day,” Moran said, averting her gaze from a picture of Billie Joe Armstrong shouting and waving an upside down American flag.

POLL: Majority of Secret Service Agents Remain Undecided On Whether They’d Rather Die For A Trump Or Clinton Presidency | Sep 16 2016

In a poll conducted this week, Gallup found that nearly 56 percent of Secret Service agents remain uncommitted as to who they would like to protect and possibly die for over the next four years. The poll, which was conducted over the telephone, found that Hillary Clinton’s email scandal and Donald Trump’s history of controversial statements prevented most agents from being excited to lay down their lives for either candidate.

Doctor Congratulates Patient For Being Sexually Active | Sep 16 2016

On a routine checkup this past week, Doctor Louis Greenberg high-fived patient Mitch Schulman upon hearing that he was sexually active. After checking Schulman’s blood pressure, Greenberg “got straight to the good stuff,” asking if his patient of five years had “bumped uglies yet,” to which Schulman quickly responded, “Hell yeah.” “That’s my boy,” Greenberg said, patting his patient on the back.

Beekeeper Seems Like He Gets Off On The Whole Thing | Sep 16 2016

Bee keeper Richard Matthews seems like he enjoys this whole beekeeping thing a little too much sources report. The man who practiced the trade for nearly 15 years allegedly smiles way too often. “I find bees to be an infinitely fascinating subject,” Matthews said with an unnecessary amount of enthusiasm in his voice.

Everyone At Grand Canyon Has Mouth Open In Awe | Sep 16 2016

Sources at the Grand Canyon report that every tourist’s mouth is agape. Most visitors were unavailable for comment due to their mouths being wide open. “Ahh,” said Matt Irvine, father of three visiting the natural wonder for the first time with his children.

Everyone On Bus Acting Like Guy Reading Mein Kampf Isn’t There | Sep 16 2016

Sources report that everyone on the 3 from Providence to Warwick has tacitly agreed to pretend that the guy reading “Mein Kampf” isn’t there. “I don’t think he’s reading it for school or anything like that,” said passenger Mark Plimoth, nervously eying the otherwise normal man finishing up the trade-union chapter of Adolph Hitler’s autobiography.

Restaurant Offering Greek, Mexican, Thai Cuisine Definitely Good At Making All Three | Sep 16 2016

Sources report that area restaurant Mike’s offers customers three different culinary options, including Thai, Greek, and Mexican, that certainly aren’t gross. “I mainly come here for the pad thai,” says long time customer Corina Stern, chewing on a piece of tofu as a poster of Greece hung in the background.

Little Girl’s Toys Would Come Alive When She’s Not Around If She Didn’t Keep Breaking Them | Sep 16 2016

Sources report that five-year-old Melissa Erlich’s collection of toys which, among other damaged goods, consists of a limbless doll, a scratched miniature car, and a slinky with a fucked up coil was close to sentience before being ruined. “This looks like the perfect new house for Mr.

PW Puts On Another Adorable Little Skit In The Upspace | Apr 29 2016

A group of students had an amazing time this past weekend putting on the most precious skit in the Production Workshop Upspace. Sources report the cute little play called “Waterworld,” a devised retelling of the Herman Melville classic Moby Dick from the perspective of Moby as a precocious preteen, was loads of fun and even had a message.

In Special Address, President Obama Finally Tells The American People He Loves Them | Apr 29 2016

After over seven years in office, President Obama finally admitted his love for the American people on Tuesday. From the East Room, Obama professed that he’s been too reticent in the past and now was the time to change that. “Enough with the games, I’m in love,” Obama said after approaching the podium with flowers in hand.

Area Man Spills Water On, Breaks His Electric Car | Apr 29 2016

In a moment of carelessness, area man Mason Daniels reportedly spilled a glass of water on his brand new Tesla Model S, destroying it. “Shit,” said Daniels, frantically trying to wipe the water off his $70,000 vehicle. “I just got this thing.

Yankees Sign Pitching Machine To Two-Year Contract | Apr 29 2016

The Yankees announced on Friday morning that they have signed a Louisville Slugger UPM 45 Blue Flame Pitching Machine to a contract worth $6 million over the course of two years. The contract, with a player option to extend it for another year, is a coup for the team that has been looking to strengthen its bullpen.

Little Kid Decides To Go On Timeout To Gain Some Perspective On Things | Mar 11 2016

Local four-year-old Spencer Williams has reportedly decided to go on timeout for a few minutes to take stock of his life. “It feels like just yesterday that I was a toddler and had all the time in the world to myself,” said the child, thumb in mouth.

Obama Grounds Malia For Wrecking Air Force One | Mar 11 2016

President Barack Obama has reportedly grounded his daughter, Malia, for two weeks after he discovered a destroyed Air Force One on the White House lawn. “God damn it,” Obama said while on hold with AAA. “I told her that I didn’t want her piloting that thing after 9 p.m., but she didn’t listen.

Stephen King Frustrated He Can’t Think Of Any Nice Monsters | Mar 11 2016

Repeating what has become regular practice, Author Stephen King let out a sigh as he struggled to think of at least one nice monster he could write about, sources reported Monday. Crumpling up another sheet of paper, King expressed his fears that he might be stuck writing exclusively about scary monsters his entire career.

Professor Returns From Sabbatical Jacked | Mar 11 2016

After taking a semester off from teaching, Professor Kevin Mercer returned to the classroom absolutely ripped, students report. Mercer, a tenured faculty member in the History department, ostensibly spent his leave doing research for his upcoming book, but from the looks of it he got in substantial gym time as well.

Campaign Finance Reform Is Necessary For—Wait. This Is A Mistake. I’m Supposed To Be Writing For The New York Times by Timothy Egan of the NYT | Dec 04 2015

The greatest threat facing democracy in the U.S. today is the power of corporations to pour unlimited funds into—hold on just one second. I’m supposed to be writing this opinion piece for the New York Times, not the Brown Noser. Was there some sort of mix up or something? If that’s the case, no problem.

Skilled Politician Can Shake Hundreds Of Hands A Minute | Dec 04 2015

Sources report that local city councilman Seth Yurdin can shake hundreds of hands per minute, a feat that has helped him become one of the most popularly elected officials in Providence history. Although Yurdin has failed to distinguish himself on any particular policy issues, his capacity to enthrall crowds with his incredibly efficient handshaking is unmatched.

Elvis Presley’s Guitar Auctioned Off To Museum For Lots Of $$$ | Dec 04 2015

A guitar once used by Elvis Presley was sold on Monday at a Sotheby’s auction for an obscene amount of $$$, sources report. The guitar was purchased by a private buyer who will donate it to be housed @ the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland.

Career Counselor Recommends Everyone Become Career Counselor | Dec 04 2015

Local career counselor Janet Spencer reportedly advises every student that they should become a career counselor like her. “It’s a tough job market out there,” said Spencer, handing her advisee a pamphlet depicting a career counselor handing a student a pamphlet.

Ref Always Trying To Impress Players With His Tricks | Oct 30 2015

Sources report that NBA referee Tom Jenkins is constantly interrupting gameplay in order to show everyone his cool tricks. Although Jenkins is repeatedly reprimanded by his fellow referees, he can’t help but whip out his cool moves everytime he comes in possession of the ball.

I'm Going To Be President And There's Nothing You Can Do To Stop Me Besides Not Voting For Me by Hillary Clinton | Oct 30 2015

Not everyone might be so excited about my candidacy, but they’re going to have to face the fact that a Hillary Clinton presidency is inevitable. It’s just going to happen. In fact, the only way it doesn’t happen is if people don’t vote for me.

Man Can’t Remember What A Password Is | Oct 30 2015

Upon trying to log in to his online bank account, local man Richard Harper was dismayed to realize that he had forgotten what a password is. “I know it’s supposed to keep my account safe,” said Harper, struggling to remember if a password was literally a word or if it could be a phrase.

Man Who Has Had It Up To Here Not Raising Hand Very High | Oct 30 2015

Local man Louis Mitchell, who quite frankly has had it up to here, is only raising his hand slightly above his waist, sources confirm. “I’ve tried to be accommodating, but, to be honest, I have about this much patience left,” said Mitchell, spreading his arms far away from each other. “If I’m the only one taking what we’re doing seriously, I might as well just take all my things and go home right now.” A short time later, Mitchell reportedly agreed to stay and sit quietly.

Middle Aged Man Can't Decide Whether He Wants To Get Younger Or Older | Oct 30 2015

On the cusp of reaching his middle age, Daniel Black has yet to decide whether he wants to keep growing older or start to age backwards. Faced with the momentous decision to either continue to decay until his death or gradually revert to an infant state and eventually disappear into nothing, Black has been carefully weighing his options regarding how he’d like to spend his last forty years on Earth.

Teacher’s Pet Only Kid In Class | Oct 30 2015

Kelly Johnson, the only student in Mr. Matthews’ fourth period history course, is reportedly a total teacher’s pet. Solely due to the fact that there is no other student in the room during the hour-long class, Johnson is known as Mr. Matthew’s favorite.

Hit Song Just Man Saying "Party" Over and Over | Oct 06 2015

Announcing the top 20 songs of the week, Billboard has confirmed that once again “Party” by the Party Boys has topped the charts. The song, which is four minutes of a man saying “party” over and over in a monotone voice, has been hailed for its creative use of the word “party.” The process of creating the song was reportedly very difficult.

NBA Players' Union Demands Shorter Hoops | Oct 06 2015

In an attempt to quickly resolve the issue, National Basketball Association players and owners met all day Monday to discuss the National Basketball Player Association’s demand for shorter hoops. The Monday meeting was fraught as NBPA President Chris Paul and NBA commissioner Adam Silver argued over the fair height of regulation basketball hoops.

Fifth Grade Teacher's Mnemonic Bit Of A Stretch | Oct 06 2015

Students at Wilshire Elementary School report that their teacher’s trick for remembering the planets of the solar system doesn’t really work. The mnemonic “Most Villains Engage Mostly Jovial Students Using Nice” is fraught with problems according to those in Mr.

Guinness World Record Holder For Most Apples Crushed With Biceps Doing It All To Win Back Julia | Oct 06 2015

When asked on Monday what led him to seek the world record for most apples crushed with biceps, titleholder Joseph Rodriquez responded that it was the possibility of regaining Julia’s love that kept him going. Rodriquez, who crushed 12 apples with his biceps in one minute, trained for months on end to achieve the one feat that would bring him back into the good graces of the only woman he’s ever loved.

Little Girl Just Flat Out Lies To Diary | Oct 06 2015

Nine-year-old Sally Wilson just unabashedly lies to her diary, sources confirmed Tuesday. The little girl who apparently has no moral compass regularly plays hard and fast with the truth in nearly every area of her life from who won her school’s reading contest to whose birthday parties she was invited to.

Personal Trainer's Personal Trainer The Biggest Man | Oct 06 2015

Sources confirm that the personal trainer to local personal trainer, Mitchell Kramer, is nearly a giant. Reportedly, Kramer spent months searching for a personal trainer before finding the only one who was big enough to train one who trains others. Kramer claimed that he had given up hope that he would ever find a suitable personal trainer until he discovered the behemoth.

Of Course Pastor's Favorite Book The Bible | Oct 06 2015

What came as a surprise to absolutely no one, Pastor Dan Wainwright revealed to his congregants that his favorite book was the Bible. When asked the question while greeting worshipers after Sunday mass, Wainwright didn’t skip a beat before saying the Bible.

Freedom Ain't Free, But It Is 50% Off At Bob's Freedom Shop by Bob, Owner Of Bob's Freedom Shop | Apr 24 2015

That’s right, folks, you heard it here first. It’s true what they say: freedom ain’t free. But guess what? Over here at Bob’s Freedom Shop, you can buy it for half off. Sounds too good to be true? Well, do you know what else sounded too good to be true? A little document called the Constitution, but 250 years later it’s still holding strong, and I’m selling freedom at a steeply discounted price.

Time Waits For No Man, Except For Me—I Told Him I’d Just Be A Second | Apr 24 2015

Time is an unstoppable force. Every man, no matter how great in life, eventually succumbs to the inevitability of time. Me, however, I’m different. Time’s waiting in the car for me, while I grab a drink and sandwich quickly. Great artists, poets, thinkers: it seems like everything they create is a way to reconcile themselves with their mortality.

Birds Chirping Some Pretty Fucked Up Stuff | Apr 24 2015

Despite being widely hailed as a beautiful sign of spring, the chirps of the birds heard throughout the country are actually pretty fucked up, sources report.

Doorman So Good At The Outs, Not As Good At The Ins | Apr 24 2015

Sources report that local doorman Sal Schwarz is a pro at the outs, but still struggles with the ins. The doorman of 17 years knows exactly what to do when people are leaving his building, but is often at a loss when they enter. At his 8th Avenue apartment complex, Schwarz can often be seen confidently opening the door for residents exiting the building.

Red Bull Promotional Ad Pretty Cool, But It’s Still Just Red Bull | Apr 24 2015

Energy drink company Red Bull just announced a new multimillion-dollar ad campaign that is sure to impress, until you realize they’re just selling Red Bull. Sources report that Red Bull hired a professional stuntman to BASE jump through a ring of fire into the Grand Canyon, a truly impressive feat certainly diminished by the fact that it’s just being used to get people to buy Red Bull.

Report: Stock Market Ticked A Lot Today | Mar 06 2015

In a development that has rocked the financial world, the stock market ticked a lot today. This includes loud ticks, soft ticks, and a few really loud ticks. Although the general mood among traders on the floor was that these ticks were not good, some were quite pleased by all of the ticks.

Sad Man Checking His Email Again | Mar 06 2015

Sources report that area man Brendan Kaufman is once again checking his email. Despite having clicked the refresh button on his browser just a little bit ago, the sad man figured there’s no harm in checking again. “When I’m bored I just like to check it a lot.

Weatherman Ends Each Forecast By Reminding Viewers Global Warming A Hoax | Dec 05 2014

Using the time to proffer his own views on the topic, local weatherman Howard Brown ends each day’s forecast by reminding viewers that global warming is a hoax created by the government.

Gravity Is The Real MVP Of This Game By Kevin Durant | Dec 05 2014

Thank you all for being at my press conference today. Before I take any questions, I’d just like to make clear that although the entire team played an incredible game today, I would be nothing without gravity. I can get all the awards in the world, but they mean nothing to me without acknowledging the truly immense role gravity has played in my life.

Report: Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony Still Considered Greatest Classical Composition Among Experts Who Only Listen To First Few Notes Of Things | Dec 05 2014

According to a report released by the Music Teachers National Association, Ludwig van Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony is considered the best classical song ever written by authorities who only listen to the first few notes of songs. “Despite the extraordinary number of compositions with cool opening chords, it appears that there is widespread agreement in the music community that Beethoven chose the best ones to open the Fifth Symphony,” said lead researcher Andy Simmons, adding that no one surveyed could remember what comes next, but it didn’t matter because the first part was so good.

Talented Defense Lawyer Convinces Judge He Committed The Crime | Dec 05 2014

In a surprising conclusion to a seemingly straightforward armed robbery trial, skilled defense attorney Howard Voelker convinced Judge Louis Bancroft of his own guilt. “I know I didn’t commit the crime, but I’m a defense attorney. My job is to win my case, and I stop at nothing.

A Lot Of Times I Like To Think Of America As A Spaceship And I’m The Captain. Plus, I Have Absolute Control Over The Crew And The Universe. By Barack Obama | Dec 03 2014

On days when running this country just becomes too stressful, I sit back and imagine that America is a spaceship, and I’m the captain. Plus, I have complete power over the crew and the universe. This job is trying, so at times the only way to cope is by picturing myself at the helm of a large spaceship, controlling every last bit of matter in existence. It’s a silly little day dream, but it helps get me through the day, you know?

Freshman’s Attempt To Reinvent Self Abandoned In First Conversation | Sep 05 2014

Sources report that in his first conversation with his new peers, Joshua Soule ‘18 gave up all plans to present a cooler, more confident version of himself. “Before getting to school, I had decided to introduce myself as ‘Josh,’" said Soule, “but when asked my name, ‘Joshua’ just came out and I realized I can’t hide from who I really am.

Professor Had Great Summer, Thanks For Asking | Sep 05 2014

Upon being asked by student Lisa Yu how his summer was, Professor Larry Moss replied, “Great, thanks for asking.” When Yu continued to ask if he had done anything fun, Moss said, “Nothing too exciting. It was pretty low key." Moss proceeded to describe his summer in the most vague and impersonal way as possible.

Rave Yelp Review Inexplicably Awards Only Four Stars | Sep 05 2014

Sources report that users of the popular website Yelp were bewildered to find a rave review only award four stars to the local bistro The Flying Goose. “I just don’t get it. I’ve never read anyone write about a restaurant in such glowing terms,” said David Larkins, who stumbled upon the review when looking for a restaurant for dinner.

Time He Takes To Respond To Texts Only Control Man Has Over Own Life | Sep 05 2014

Local man Joey Stanton’s only sense of power over his life reportedly comes from the amount of time he waits before responding to a texts from his friends and family members. Stanton, who spends approximately 60 hours a week catering to his boss’s whims and going along with whatever his friends and girlfriend want to do, feels immense pleasure when he waits for a few minutes before replying to a text.

Dilbert Getting Really Tired Of This Shit | Apr 25 2014

Dilbert’s coworkers have reported that recently it seems like Dilbert is fed up with the gross incompetency, micromanagement and soul crushing bureaucracy of his work place. After years of working hard despite the clear disinterest and even disdain of middle and upper management, Dilbert is beginning to believe that no matter what he does he will be stuck in his dead end job forever.

In This Crazy Game We Call Life, It Doesn’t Matter What Kind Of Car You Drive, What Your Career Is, Or How Big Your House Is; The Only Thing That Matters Is That By The Time All Players Have Retired At Millionaire Estates, You Have The Most Money | Apr 25 2014

Life is not easy. In this modern day and age, people waste so much energy worrying about trivial things. Everyone thinks they need to be the best at everything, and it’s quite easy to lose sight of what’s most important, namely winning. That’s why, if you ever feel too stressed, just take a deep breath and remind yourself that as long you have the most money by the time all the LIFE tiles have been turned over you will be fine.

Area Man Reading 2016 Presidential Predictions Blissfully Unaware JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon Has Already Selected Next Five Presidents | Mar 07 2014

Local man Howard Smith unknowingly wasted his Saturday afternoon reading political predictions for the 2016 presidential election, oblivious to the fact that the outcome of the 2016 election, as well as that of the next four elections, has already been decided by Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase.

If Edward Snowden Were A True Patriot He Would Return To The U.S., So He Could Be Summarily Executed by Senator Diane Feinstein | Mar 07 2014

As head of the U.S. Senate Intelligence committee, I understand the threat Edward Snowden’s leaks pose to American lives and interests. If Snowden wants to be able to claim the proud mantle of civil disobedience, he must return to the country to face the consequences of his actions.

Man Playing Call Of Duty Relieved This Sort Of Stuff Doesn’t Happen Anymore | Dec 06 2013

Local gamer Matt Davis yesterday expressed relief that the carnage and suffering depicted in the popular first-person shooter were a thing of past. “10 of my online comrades were shot this morning,” said Davis. "I sent those men to die as if they were expendable.

Obama To Escalate War On Pakistani Grandmothers | Dec 06 2013

At a press conference earlier today, President Barack Obama announced that after years of fighting, the United States must ramp up its efforts in the War on Pakistani Grandmothers. Obama called the decision to escalate the war “one of the most difficult” of his presidency.

Residents Of Plains, Georgia Shocked To Hear That Old Farmer Carter Used To Be President | Oct 27 2013

Inhabitants of Plains, Ga. were surprised to discover that “Old Farmer Carter” was once the President of the United States of America. Local high school student Ben McCarthy made the discovery on Tuesday after reading a chapter on the 1976 presidential election in his history textbook.