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The Brown Noser

Report: Handheld Vacuum Cleaner Gonna Take It Nice And Slow

Published Friday, April 24th, 2020

Despite the substantial surface area of the carpet, sources report that the handheld vacuum cleaner will be taking it nice and slow.

“Oh, ok, this vacuum isn’t sucking up very much at all,” said vacuum owner Dave Bukowski, picking up thin shreds of paper that the vacuum’s gentle flow had left behind. “That’s alright, I have plenty of time on my hands these days.”

“Ok, yup, looks like the vacuum’s taking it easy today,” Bukowski continued, watching his vacuum struggle to pick up a single potato chip crumb. “I guess I should get comfy.”

“I guess I don’t mind doing a bit of the heavy lifting today,” Bukowski decided, squatting on his floor and scanning for lingering residue to pick out of the carpet. “This little vacuum seems a bit worn out.”

At press time, a bathroom hand dryer was blowing air on its own sweet time.

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