In a development that has rocked the financial world, the stock market ticked a lot today. This includes loud ticks, soft ticks, and a few really loud ticks.

Although the general mood among traders on the floor was that these ticks were not good, some were quite pleased by all of the ticks. “All of my investments were dependent on the market ticking incessantly today,” said Thomas Bloom. “If I didn’t hear all these ticks, I don’t know what I would have done.”

As of press time, all is quiet oh so quiet.

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