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David Ross, director of Brown University Facilities, recently announced that the Ruth J. Simmons Quad reopening will be delayed because construction workers are having an absolute blast digging holes.
“I have no power over them,” stated Ross as a jubilant horde of shovel-bearing construction workers ran rampant across the quad. “Technically, the issue falls under the purview of the private contractor. Also, personally, I would never use my authority to quench such profound, defiant joy.”
“Most of them are working overtime without any compensation, which I’m okay with because they’re having a fabulous time and also not in a union,” Ross continued, pausing to applaud a young construction worker who had just dug his first real hole. “In fact, I suspect about 60 or 70 of these construction workers aren’t even employed by our contractor and are just digging for pure love of the game.”
“My hands-off attitude has nothing to do with the fact that I receive bonus pay for each week the renovation exceeds its projected timeline,” Ross clarified, watching as an enthusiastic squad of workers began digging smaller holes at the bottom of a large one. “I’m just so glad they’re having fun!"
At press time, Facilities was rolling dice to decide the next women’s locker room closure.
