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A recent analysis of SV’s financial records has indicated that 87% of profits derive from people who preemptively buy tickets and don’t show up.
“I’m not surprised in the slightest,” said partygoer Piper Webb, in light of the recent disclosure. “These campus influencers are always promoting these events months in advance, when they seem like a good idea in theory. They hook you in with a 15% discount code and everyone begins going feral, saying SV Beach Bash is going to be a true night to remember. Next thing you know, the night of the party rolls around and people are dropping like flies – for Lantern, for Crew, you know. And there go our $17 VIP tickets, down the drain.”
“You would have thought I would’ve learned my lesson by now,” continued Webb, who has purchased tickets for the past six SV parties and attended genuinely none of them. “But I haven’t. Just can’t seem to get myself to Fete Lounge like I used to. Some people might consider it a waste of money, but I like to think of it as my charity contribution. We really gotta support small businesses, you know. Not everyone is having large victories…”
At press time, attendance records for a recent departmental lecture revealed that 77% of students who told their professors they would attend were straight-up lying.
