Senior Frat Boy Bryce Harrington, who just shotgunned his fourteenth beer, is really taking the adage “it’s not alcoholism until you graduate” to heart.

“So long as my email address still ends in .edu, it’s really not an issue,” said Harrington, rummaging through a sea of half-eaten pizza boxes and unopened condoms to point to his trophy for longest keg stand. “I’ll probably cut back as soon as they call my name… I just hope I don’t puke on the dean again.”

“It’s basically an honors thesis,” added Harrington, sucking down a Narragansett like his diploma depended on it. “I’m gathering empirical evidence on how many shots it takes before I black out in different conditions. Whippets bring the number down by two, but poppers make the threshold higher. Science is cool!”

At press time, Harrington pressed a wet rag to a pledge’s face and dumped a can of Four Loko over him so he could finally understand the taste of tradition.

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