Sources report that shitty folk musician Bret Greenspan is not sad. His inexplicable happiness became apparent at an open mic night on Thursday, when audience members noted that not even the slightest trace of pain or longing was visible on his face.
“This man is a disgrace,” said attendee Marla Junkins, explaining that Greenspan’s beautiful guitar playing and gentle voice did not make up for his bizarrely content disposition. “Why is he not on the verge of tears? Why is his voice not breaking with anguish? I don’t know how he considers himself part of the American folk tradition.”
Greenspan apparently failed to sing about his lack of direction, lost loves, hopeless wanderings, bitter memories, or the crushing weight of the world.
“He seemed genuinely happy with the state of his life,” Junkins continued with a scoff. “I don’t think he’s ever walked along a highway in the pouring rain with nothing but his guitar and the clothes on his back. How are we supposed to take this guy seriously?”
After the show, witnesses were surprised to see Greenspan talking amicably with audience members, instead of sitting alone in an alleyway and wondering where it all went wrong.