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The Brown Noser

Soccer Goalie Has Clearly Been Living In The Goal

Published Friday, October 30th, 2015

Diving to stop a shot on goal from knocking over any of his things, FC Dallas keeper Lloyd Casey has clearly been living and sleeping in his soccer team’s goal.

Sources indicate that Casey, who frequently shows up to practice wearing the same grass-stained uniform from yesterday, refuses to acknowledge that he has nowhere else to go and is keeping a two-burner stove, toiletries, and books in the net so he can live there.

“After games, we all say goodnight and go our separate ways,” said Dallas forward Joe Suarez. “But Lloyd is always like, 'No, you guys go ahead, I think I forgot my water bottle in the locker room.’ We all know he’s going back to sleep in the hammock he set up in the goal.”

Suarez added, “It’s tough knowing your teammate doesn’t have a real roof over his head, but he’s actually set up a pretty impressive living space in there.”

Casey’s coach and team say they are still waiting for the right time to confront him about sleeping in the goal. “We want to tell him, but he’s playing better than we’ve ever seen him play,” said head coach Óscar Pareja, noting that Casey has led the MLS in saves ever since moving his ceramic kitchenware into the net. “If his living conditions were damaging his game, that’d be one thing, but he seems to be doing pretty well.”

Pareja added, “He really doesn’t want the other team to break his stuff.”

“C’mon boys!” said Casey as he waved his arms to protect the lawn chair and pot of hot coffee he set out. “Mark number 12! Don’t let them get a shot off!”

Shortly after the game, Casey was seen hanging his uniform on a hanger on the net and washing himself with leftover water from the team cooler.

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