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The Brown Noser

Tree With Big Hole Seems Wise

Published Friday, February 4th, 2022

Sources in the woods today reported that the tree with the big hole seems wise.

“It’s obvious that the secrets of nature lie in the depths of that hole,” reported natural botanist Natalia Bibbs PhD ’12 in a recent lecture. “No tree so knobbly and twisted could have anything less than a 180 IQ.”

The intelligence of other vegetation was apparent to experts. Ferns and anything that produced fruit sat at the top of the list, while dim-witted root vegetables and feebleminded birch trees — which obviously get by on their smooth, fair complexion — ranked near the bottom.

“The wide trees have deep voices, and the willowy ones with all the hanging branches are definitely street-smart, but only the trees with holes are actually wise,” continued Bibbs, reading from her notes. “But the hole can’t be down by the roots, it has to be eye-level, where the tree’s face would be.”

At press time, Bibbs’ research confirmed that streams have a sense of humor, while rivers are much more stoic.

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