Partly Cloudy, 64°
"The scene was not pretty the morning of November 28th at the V-Dub. To the eyes, everything appeared normal. Students lined up single file, waiting to get their food with eager plates and trays. Verney-Woolley employees generously refilled the containers of bacon, potatoes, Freedom toast, and instant egg/Sea Monkey mix. The translucent-blue dry ice machine on the dessert table gave the dining hall the appearance of a slipshod, third-grade haunted house. Those two lovely ladies at the omelet station were gossiping up a storm and making some delicious dishes. The V-Dub pit boss, donning his signature Tom Selig moustache, surveyed the scene menacingly, making sure not a single soul tried to get in the side door without swiping (the last time he caught someone attempting this heinous crime, he reportedly slit their throat with the swipe card and poured freshly mulled apple cider from a local farm into the wound).
As stated above, all appeared normal to the eyes. But to the ears, something wasn't quite right-something essential was missing to the V-Dub atmosphere. As time passed, the sound grew more and more horrifying until my ears were experiencing Dante's Ninth Circle of Hell. Apparently, the Verney-Woolley Dining Hall DJ-of FishCo and SexPowerGod fame-removed Coldplay from the rotation. It is a commonly accepted fact that every person entering the Verney-Woolley Dining Hall does so with faith in a tacit agreement with the DJ. That is, within a thirty-minute period, one of the following Coldplay songs-The Scientist, Yellow, In My Place, Clocks, Trouble, or Speed of Sound-will grace one's ears with their presence.
Brown students, hungry for delicate, semi-acoustic, beautiful pop-rock that is certainly sensitive, but not overdone whatsoever, did not get their Coldplay. Students began to protest. They filled the V-Dub bulletin board with complaints, but their voices were not heard. Chaos ensued. A group of students threw the dessert table through the glass by the bar-style seating and rushed behind it into the courtyard. One diner urinated in the card reader. Another shaved the pit boss's moustache with a butter knife. A pair of students replaced the PAM spray bottles with an aerosol adhesive, dooming a multitude of frustrated students to eat burnt crumbs of malted waffle the next day.
The scene in this apocalyptic basement of hell formerly known as the Verney-Woolley Dining Hall is not likely to calm down anytime soon. The Administration urges students to ""stay as far as possible from the scene, unless stopping by for a quick bite at a nearby frozen chicken and pizza vending machine."" The V-Dub DJ has made efforts to cheer crowds with some of his regular hits. Unfortunately, without the staple of Coldplay, Natalie Imbruglia, Creed, and The Fray don't stand a chance."
