Partly Cloudy, 64°
Sources confirmed that Earth’s inhabitants had a good day today—watering gardens, eating at restaurants, listening to music—all the while blissfully unaware that 2014 will be the year aliens land on Earth and begin systematically replacing all human faces with goat faces.
In spite of what Providence local Craig Brentwood described as a “rough” 2013, he has high hopes for the coming year. “I’m thinking about getting a nose piercing,” said Brentwood, who has no idea that this goal will be unattainable when aliens descend on Earth, grate his face off of his head, and surgically attach a goat face to the gaping chasm in front of his cranium. “It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time and I really think it would look cool.”
“The Sox could make a run at defending their championship,” said New England firefighter Mark Crow, unaware that revered catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia’s iconic beard would soon be replaced by a bloody goat stump of a face. “Go Sox!”
“I’m very excited to be having my first grandchild in the new year,” said 89-year-old Ethel Johnson, completely oblivious of the fact that what she expects to be a normal-looking infant will not have a human face for more than the time it will take the alien doctor to skin it off with some kind of alien version of a scalpel and surgically implant the well preserved, infant-sized goat head in its place.
“I have a sexual disorder where I am only attracted to people with goat faces,” said Alfred Pickling, who will soon experience a dramatic increase in the number of opportunities he has to act on his seemingly impossible sexual fetish. “Unlucky for me, that’s not a thing that exists. My condition has ruined my life. I feel extremely depressed and alone.”
