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The Brown Noser

YouTube Algorithm Radicalizing Woman Into Militant Yarn Hobbyist

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

Prioritizing content with increasingly extreme points of view, YouTube’s video recommendation algorithm is reportedly radicalizing local woman Lorraine Crandus into a militant yarn hobbyist.

“It started off innocuous enough — I was pleasantly surprised when she made me a winter hat,” said Lorraine’s concerned sister Deb, who feels like she’s losing a loved one to the growing online contingent of yarn-fueled extremists. “But then she started staying inside nearly all day making everything from comfy sweaters to little bird figurines made of yarn. When I asked her how she learned to make all this, she responded with two chilling words: YouTube tutorials.”

YouTube’s algorithm has come under fire in recent years for recommending inflammatory content to keep users like Crandus online. After watching only a few knitting videos on the site, Crandus has reportedly transformed her apartment into a kitschy, woolen nightmare. Sources report that Crandus has fitted her bed with a crocheted duvet and filled her shelves with terrifying yarn-based representations of her friends and family.

“I just miss my sister, and I don’t want anymore goddamn scarves!” continued Deb Crandus with grief noticeable in her voice and the tops of homemade socks noticeable on her ankles. “Honestly at this point, I wish she had just been radicalized into something more normal, like a neo-fascist.”

At press time, Crandus had moved beyond her extreme yarn views and fallen down an even deeper needlepoint rabbit hole.

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