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The Brown Noser

Point/Counterpoint: Seriously, When Does Jack Bauer Poop?

Published Thursday, March 8th, 2007

<b>Jack Bauer Should, According to Science, Use the Bathrooom More Frequently</b>

Fans of the show <i>24</i> may have noticed that not only does Bauer's cell phone never run out, despite the fact that he's talking on it a good deal of the time in every single episode, but also this: Jack Bauer never goes to the bathroom. Ever. I mean seriously, we've seen about five-and-a-half days of this man's life and never once has he had to do number one or two.

Ordinarily, humans have about one bowel movement per day, though it is normal to have more. What are the chances that all six of the days we've seen so far have been days when Bauer's been able to hold it in? I don't know, but c'mon; he has to go sometime.

Think about it. Jack Bauer is running around Los Angeles uncovering some completely believable terrorist plot involving the President of the United States all on his own, and all of a sudden his face scrunches up and he starts shaking his legs up and down. Slowly you realize that just as he's about to get the crucial information that will save the day, but Bauer needs a potty break. He should say, "Hold on a second" and make his way to the lavatory. But he does not and something is wrong because of it.

<b>Jack Bauer, According to Science, Uses the Bathrooom at Adequate Intervals</b>

Nothing is wrong with <i>24</i> except viewers who believe that there are things wrong with the show. Jack Bauer probably has a government issued cell phone that has a battery that lasts longer than a normal one. More important, however, Jack Bauer is the victim of stress-induced constipation.

Biologists and doctors all agree that stress-induced constipation is a serious issue that affects about 33% of the country. Now normally, stress-induced constipation lasts 2-4 days. However, the average individual is not responsible for saving the country for five days. Jack Bauer doesn't poop because Jack Bauer doesn't have the time it takes to poop with a condition like stress-induced constipation. He would need laxatives, an hour, and a magazine. Those are tough resources to obtain since he's busy saving his daughter's life and protecting the freedom that allows us to poop when we want to.

I've gone five days without going to the bathroom. And <i>24</i> doesn't even recount five consecutive days. I don't know anyone who poops with the clockwork that would warrant taking an hour out of each season so Jack Bauer can charge his phone and have a leisurely dump. If Jack Bauer were to poop, he would do something like get it done while on the run because he's Jack Bauer.

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