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State and local police are still searching for the killer of 24-year-old Providence resident Gary Studnik, but despite a bevy of clues, a lack of viable suspects is making the case nearly impossible to solve. Studnik was somehow pushed out of his fifth-story window, despite the fact that the door to his apartment had not been opened in the two weeks prior to Studnik's demise.
"At first we were thinking it was a botched robbery," Providence Detective Jimmy Colluga said. "After all, his Magic the Gathering deck was all out of order, and those cards were worth a fortune."
Detective Mike Barker, Colluga's partner, continued, "Then we looked for a romantic motive. You know, a scorned lover, a jealous ex-, the usual stuff. But it was the weirdest thing - we couldn't find a woman who even knew his name."
Chimed in Colluga: "How very curious, no?"
Amongst the evidence left by the killer was a note reading: "Goodbye Savage World, I Will Not Miss You."
"Now when we saw that," Colluga said, "We knew it could only mean one thing. The killer was long gone, off to someplace where people are friendlier."
"We thought we were plumb out of luck," Barker said. "But you know what they say: When the chips were done, the levees have broken, and someone shits all over your fan, you can bet that the rodent is going to have one more go around the hamster wheel."
"In other words," Colluga told a confused-looking reporter, "we found DNA evidence."
"Precisely," Barker said. "It was all over the victim's shirt, the windowsill and, yes, the Magic the Gathering deck. That ribosomal look at the perp sure works wonders. But here's the most wondrous of them all: The DNA matched Studnik's own to a T."
"Which can only mean one thing," said Colluga with excitement. "Studnik has a twin. An evil twin. Who murdered him."
"We will follow that evil twin to hell and back," Barker said, "even if we have to go through the nicest, friendliest places in the world to track him down."
"Rio. Honolulu. These are the sort of towns we'll have to pass through without a trace," Colluga said, "pausing only to stay in five-star hotels and drink daiquiris, and mojitos, and other things."
Yet they know their quest will not be easy, as the man they're tracking seems to have some special abilities. After all, it is certain that Studnik fell out of his the window and that his door remained untroubled.
"Using our immense powers of deduction, then," Barker said, "we have detected that the killer must have leaped from the very same window - actually, it's miracle he made it out alive."
