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The Brown Noser

Arts & Culture (Sep 26 2025 issue)

Athlete Insecure After Receiving No Ass Slaps For Highlight Play | Sep 26 2025

Small forward Keith McPatts was reportedly torn up after receiving no ass slaps after making an amazing no-look pass. “C’mon man, really? Nothing?” complained McPatts, watching sorrowfully as his teammates ran back down the court instead of delivering a nice, hard slap to his posterior.

Netflix Drops Baby After Two Seasons | Sep 26 2025

At the end of their quarterly earnings call, Netflix announced they would be dropping a baby after two seasons. “We had so much fun making it, but unfortunately, after two short seasons, this baby just became too much of a burden,” announced Netflix CEO Greg Peters, shaking the baby for emphasis.

Report: Hee Hee Hee! You’ve Stumbled Right Into My Cranberry Bog! I’ve Prepared For A Specimen Like You For Quite Some Time | Sep 26 2025

Oh ho ho! Lookie what we have here! Yes, a specimen like yourself is what I have been waiting for for quite some time now. Fine-limbed, lean, yes, you shall do quite nicely my dear. How foolish you have been, how strong-headed. You must never walk into a cranberry bog that you don’t own—well you shall know this lesson now! Many have learned their own lessons here my sweet, yet none have left to tell them.

Precocious Child Actor Excited To Become Fentanyl Addicted Has-Been | Sep 26 2025

In a display of foresight this week, precocious child actor Mia Stultz was reportedly excited for her future as a fentanyl-addicted has-been. “I’ve been taking auditions ever since I ended my role as Betty Blink on the hit sitcom, Blink And You’ll Miss It,” Stultz said as she accepted an invitation to‘hang’ with Matthew Perry’s dealer in Van Nuys.

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