The Brown Noser

Opinion (May 12 2023 issue)

Congratulations on Your Fulbright! I'm So Happy For You And Not Jealous At All! by Student Considering Murdering You To Take Your Spot | May 12 2023

Oh my gosh, I just heard that you got accepted to do a Fulbright in Buenos Aires, congratulations! I’m so happy for you. You’re going to love it there. You know, I’ve actually spent a lot of time there, given that I’ve spent the last decade meticulously researching the historical, political, and migratory patterns of modern Argentina because, you know, I was really hoping to do a Fulbright in Buenos Aires.

Brunonian Voices: Brown is set to finally finish construction on the Brook Street Dorms this summer, adding a whopping 351 beds to Brown’s Housing Collection. What do you think about these new residence facilities? | May 12 2023

Come Hither, Sweet Boy, Slam Your Hand Into My Glowing Scarlet Letters, Wreck My Plastic Frame With Your Astounding Strength by Dorm Hallway Emergency Exit Sign | May 12 2023

Now, now, sweet boy. Yes, you, my sophomore sapling. So spry. So jubilant. So full of life. My sweet boy, you make dreary nights a dream for this dorm hallway emergency exit sign. I revel in the scent of your Axe body spray. I relish the remnants of your musk, imbued with cedarwood and sweat, lingering through this corridor.

Of Course It’s Supposed To Look Like That! Do You Really Think I Would Forget To Remove All The Ugly Temporary Siding Before Opening? By The Architect of the Lindemann Performing Arts Center | May 12 2023

Come on, you guys! Those huge, white panels covering the Lindemann may look like temporary siding, but they’re totally supposed to be there. Do you really think I’m stupid enough to leave up hundreds of corrugated iron sheets before opening to the general public? No way! I designed the building like this.

Please, Take My Children And Keep Them Safe. Where I’m Going, They Can’t Follow by Senior Selling Their Plants On Facebook Marketplace | May 12 2023

You there! Kind sir, please, take my children. The night air is harsh, and where I’m going, they may not follow. For, I have no way I will transport my plants to New York, and graduation grows ever closer. I can see in your eyes, you’re a kind, giving man.

To Be Honest, I Don’t Know What’s In Your Child, And I Don’t Feel Comfortable Exposing My Needle To That by Dr. Todd Fleming, Anti-Vaxxer | May 12 2023

Hi everyone, I know that the vaccine debate has divided our country for decades, and the outbreak of Covid-19 has only amplified that split. As a doctor, I would like to share my professional opinion: To be honest, I don’t know what’s in your child, and I don’t feel comfortable exposing my needles to that, so I am an anti-vaxxer.