The Brown Noser

Opinion (May 02 2025 issue)

I’m Worried That The Sun Will Set On My Head If I Stand Too Far West In This Field by Man Standing In Large Open Field | May 02 2025

I know what they’re saying. I’ve heard every excuse, every explanation—“This large, open field continues beyond the horizon, and there’s more field beyond what’s visible.” I’m not buying it. “The sun setting is the result of an optical phenomenon due to the Earth’s rotation”—I don’t know what any of that means.

Wow, It Sure Is Dark In This Coffin by 2003 Avril Lavigne | May 02 2025

Wow! I can barely see anything in here! I wish I had something to give me some light—that’s what I get for leaving my Nokia in my room. Stupid Avril! Stupid Avril! Oh god. One second. Sorry—there’s a worm down here who keeps sucking on my elbow.

I Don’t Know What You’re Talking About, I’m Literally A Current Brown Student by Kid With Lanyard-Shaped Indent Under Shirt | May 02 2025

Hey there! What’s up?! I’m just chilling on the Quiet Green right by the Rockefeller Library. I just ate lunch at the Sharpe Refectory. Wow. Can they get any worse? Sharpe Refectory food be like: “Yuck.” Wait, sorry, were you in my first period class this morning? I swear I saw you there.

POINT: She Loves You, And You’ll Be Together Forever! by Flower Petals 1, 3, and 5 / COUNTERPOINT: She Loves You Not, And She Never Will! by Flower Petals 2, 4, and 6 | May 02 2025

POINT: She loves you, and you’ll be together forever! Did you see the way she looked in your direction in class today? She was totally trying to send you signals, you should definitely ask for her number. I know that you two have only talked like three times, but she can tell that you’re a stand-up guy, and we just know that she wants to be more than just classmates.

POINT: It's A Moral Imperative To Tax The Wealthy by Bernie Sanders / COUNTERPOINT: We Should Steal From Children by Swiper | May 02 2025

POINT: It’s A Moral Imperative To Tax The Wealthy by Bernie Sanders In this world, the ultra-rich reign supreme. Wealth inequality in the United States spits in the face of democracy and equality. For 95% of Americans, no matter how hard they work, no matter how smart they are, no matter their circumstances at all, their bank accounts will forever be less than the monopolists of the 1%.

I’m Gonna Go Fucking Apeshit If You Ungrateful Bastards Don’t Come To CCBubbles & Brownies by Jazz Carlson CCB ‘25 President | May 02 2025

Look here, chucklefucks. Considering how much difficulty you dipshits seem to have with comprehending our third-grade reading level emails, I’m not sure any of you dickheads are even literate. But against my better judgement, I’m offering one last chance to prove that you miserable dullards can comprehend words on a page.