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The Brown Noser

Opinion (Mar 11 2013 issue)

Every Month is Black History Month When You're Stuck in a February-Based Time Loop, by Professor of Africana Studies and Time Sheriff Julius Chronoton | Mar 11 2013

Imagine a world where the study of black history was not the exception, but the norm. A world where we study black history not only 28 days of the year, but every single day for all eternity, over and over and over. I don’t even have to imagine such a world because I’ve been living in it ever since the time bandit Count Magromoth trapped me here 300 cycles ago.

Let’s Talk About Concussion Prevention, So That I Can Helping At Toaster, If Land Ho by Steve Young | Mar 11 2013

Hi, kids! I’m Hall of Fame NFL Quarterback, Steve Young. I’d like to talk to you about the increasing risk of brain-related injuries in football. Concussions are a serious problem for athletes like me—and I would know: I’ve been diagnosed with seven of them! Luckily, with good judgment, we can help prevent concussions, and make football safer and make football safety and more fun is for it to play us in make me where cook cookery dog shed ballistics.

They're Having a Campuswide Dialogue About Guns? We're So Fucked! by the NRA | Mar 11 2013

Everyone drop everything! Drop everything right now. It’s finally happened. Clean out your desks, people. Update your resumes. We’ve had a good run, but it’s over. The NRA is headed for the history books. The president of the University is initiating a campuswide discussion on the response to the Newtown shootings.

We All Voted and Now You Have to Eat This by All of Us | Mar 11 2013

So here’s the deal: We decided to have ourselves a little vote. The results just came in, and the decision is unanimous. We all voted and now you have to eat this. We realize that you may not want to eat this, but that matters little because we voted, so you don’t really have a choice.

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