The Brown Noser

Opinion (Oct 30 2015 issue)

I'm Going To Be President And There's Nothing You Can Do To Stop Me Besides Not Voting For Me by Hillary Clinton | Oct 30 2015

Not everyone might be so excited about my candidacy, but they’re going to have to face the fact that a Hillary Clinton presidency is inevitable. It’s just going to happen. In fact, the only way it doesn’t happen is if people don’t vote for me.

I Love Baseball A Lot, But Not Enough to Marry It By Derek Jeter | Oct 30 2015

I consider myself one of the luckiest guys in the world. Every day, I am so grateful I get paid to do what I love for a living: play baseball. It has become a huge part of my life. I love baseball. But I would not marry baseball. There is something truly special about baseball.

There Should Be More Stars | Oct 30 2015

Take a look up at the night sky. A truly majestic sight, isn’t it? The twinkling stars, suspended in the darkness, reminding us of man’s impermanence and existential loneliness. There could definitely be more of them. There should be more stars.

I'm An Overbearing Lover, Not A Fighter | Oct 30 2015

Look, buddy. I’m not trying to start anything here, all right? I don’t want any trouble. All I want is to go home with my girl and ask her about her day and rub her shoulders and figure out what she’s doing tomorrow and bring her breakfast in bed when she wakes up and love her so much she resents me.

Christoph Waltz? In My Restaurant?! | Oct 30 2015

Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. You’re telling me that the man that just walked in, the one sitting at table nine, is two-time Academy Award-winning actor Christoph Waltz? He’s famous… And now he’s in my restaurant!?! I can’t believe it! Christoph Waltz from “Django Unchained” eating my food, sitting in one of the chairs I picked out! I’m gonna faint.