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The Brown Noser

I'm Going To Be President And There's Nothing You Can Do To Stop Me Besides Not Voting For Me by Hillary Clinton

Published Friday, October 30th, 2015

Not everyone might be so excited about my candidacy, but they’re going to have to face the fact that a Hillary Clinton presidency is inevitable. It’s just going to happen. In fact, the only way it doesn’t happen is if people don’t vote for me. Wish for a progressive politician all you want, but most polls place me at a little under 50% support among the primary electorate, so there’s no chance I don’t win except if people vote for a better candidate.

Listen, I have tightly run organizations on the ground in all the early primary and caucus states: Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina. I have history on my side. I have the media gushing over me. I have the name. How can that be beat? It can’t, unless people go to the polls on election day and cast their votes for someone else.

Let’s continue to ignore that you have a choice of who you vote for, and could easily vote for any other candidate in spite of the media narrative: Beyond having the best campaign out there, I have the best resume. As the most travelled Secretary of State of all time, it is inconceivable that America would not elect me by voting for a different person (sorry, Bernie supporters!).

If you believe my focus-grouped personality and lack of conviction on nearly any issue will prevent my victory, you are wrong, saving for the possibility that those things make people not cast their vote for yours truly. If you believe that my neoconservative policies and hawkish attitudes will be too much to win over progressive Democrats, then you are wrong, unless you are right and they do not vote for me. If they don’t vote for me I will lose and then you would be right.

Perhaps most importantly, my fundraising is unrivaled. I have millions and millions of dollars in my war chest to spend on prime time advertisements that are meaningless if people make the simple decision to vote for a candidate they like more. Try topping that.

I hate to shoot down all this media speculation about my downfall, but when you take a step back and look at this race, there’s simply no possible world in which I do not make it to the Oval Office, except for all of the worlds where a majority of people don’t check my name on their ballots. That’s just the reality of politics. Get your head out of the clouds.

If there’s one thing that this country knows about me, it is that I like to get things done. When I’m elected President, Washington will work again. Assuming people actually vote for me, which, to be clear, they don’t have to do.

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