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The Brown Noser

Opinion (Sep 16 2016 issue)

Come On, Man. I Bought These Appetizers For My Family | Sep 16 2016

Come on, man. Have some decency. My family and I have been looking forward to going out to eat all week. We don’t need some stranger breathing down our necks, begging us for some of the onion rings we ordered. Let us enjoy these appetizers as a family.

I Shouldn’t Have To Serve On A Jury Because If I’m Locked In A Room With 11 People I’m Bound To Fall In Love With One Of Them | Sep 16 2016

I want to make one thing clear: I love and respect the American judicial system. I think that it is perfect, and should never change in any way. The right to a speedy trial is a really good idea, and I love the fact that everybody gets a lawyer. However, despite my love for the justice system, I do not think I should have to serve on a jury, because if I am placed in a room with 11 other people there is no way I won’t end up falling in love with at least one of them.

If It Ain’t Broke, Give It To Me by Percy Williams, Collector of Nice Things | Sep 16 2016

Why, hello there. I’m Percy Williams and I’m here in hopes of acquiring some of your nice things. If it ain’t broke, give it to me. If you have anything lying around in good condition but going to waste, well then give it here. Certainly don’t try to change it or monkey around with it.

My Termites Are Annoying But They Are Also My Best Friends | Sep 16 2016

They fly through my air, they crawl at my feet, they live in my cereal boxes, and they occupy my dreams. Yes, to some, my termites could be considered a costly, dangerous, nuisance, but to me, they are my best friends. When I get back to my large, structurally unsound house at the end of the day, I want to know that I can eat dinner with company.

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