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The Brown Noser

I Shouldn’t Have To Serve On A Jury Because If I’m Locked In A Room With 11 People I’m Bound To Fall In Love With One Of Them

Published Friday, September 16th, 2016

I want to make one thing clear: I love and respect the American judicial system. I think that it is perfect, and should never change in any way. The right to a speedy trial is a really good idea, and I love the fact that everybody gets a lawyer. However, despite my love for the justice system, I do not think I should have to serve on a jury, because if I am placed in a room with 11 other people there is no way I won’t end up falling in love with at least one of them.

Let me paint you a picture: You’re stuck in a little room with 11 strangers. Odds are at LEAST two of them are hot—that’s just math. There you are, sitting with these two—possibly more—attractive people, arguing about crime and justice. Everyone knows that there is nothing more attractive than someone speaking passionately about something they believe in. Can you imagine listening to one of those attractive jurors passionately defending someone’s innocence (or guilt—doesn’t matter)? Can you? There is no way you don’t end up falling in love with that beautiful, passionate stranger.

Or maybe you’re sitting there, in that tiny room, writing whether you think the defendant is innocent or guilty on a little slip of paper, and your elbow bumps the elbow of the person next to you. Maybe you make a little joke about it and you both laugh. You think to yourself that you shouldn’t develop feelings too fast, but it’s too late. You love them. You’re head over heels. Then what? When the defendant’s sentence is announced you just walk out of the juror’s box and never see that person again? In what world is that fair?

I know what you’re thinking: there’s a good chance I wouldn’t actually fall in love with someone I served on a jury with. Well, my response to that is you clearly don’t understand simple math. I would estimate that I’ve met around 20,000 people over the course of my life, and I would estimate that (conservatively) I have fallen in love with 2,000 of them. That’s 10 percent. Whether you like it or not, the math is there. If you don’t like it then that is not my problem because you can’t argue with numbers my friend. You can try, but you’re gonna get burned. According to all of the calculations I have done, statistically speaking, I would fall in love with one of the 11 people with whom I was on a jury if not more. These odds make it clear that forcing me to serve on a jury is essentially a violation of my human rights.

For these reasons, I think that it is clear that I should not have to serve as a juror, even though it is part of my civic duty. My heart cannot bear the pain that it could—let’s be honest, would—cause. Also, I think being rich should be illegal and kids should be allowed to drive when they’re 13.

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