The Brown Noser

Opinion (Sep 15 2017 issue)

College Is A Time To Find Amelia Earhart | Sep 15 2017

Hey, kid. You’re entering the most transformative stage of your life. Take some advice from someone who’s been there before: college is all about discovery. It’s the perfect time to discover what actually happened to aviation pioneer Amelia Earhart.

The Girl Grows Stronger Every Day, Your Grace. This Is Not The Time To Take Pity. | Sep 15 2017

My liege, you know I’ve never been one to question your decisions. You’ve won wars, ended years of famine, and brought endless prosperity to our small kingdom of Dundleboose. But I think your order to spare the girl will prove doomed. As your chief advisor I must warn you that she grows stronger every day, your grace.

I’m Beginning To Find It Unprofessional That My Doctor Pulls Out A Can Of Chef Boyardee During All My Check Ups | Sep 15 2017

Before I begin, let me say that I like my doctor. He always asks about my family and greets me with a smile. But I’m starting to become concerned about the can of Chef Boyardee he faithfully produces in the middle of all my check-ups. Listen, I’m not one to judge what my doctor eats.

Puerto Rico Can't Be A State Because It's Not Touching Any of The Other Ones | Sep 15 2017

In June 2017, the government of American territory Puerto Rico held a referendum, the purpose of which was for the people to vote decisively for statehood or independence. Like the last three referendums over the past ten years, the results were anything but decisive.

It's Your Lucky Day, Kid. That Man You Just Set On Fire Is The Best Fireman In The World. You're Off The Hook This Time. | Sep 15 2017

That was a close call, kid. Today could have had a very different outcome had the man you set on fire not been the best fireman in the world. You’re off the hook this time but don’tt set anyone on fire again. Next time, you won’t be so lucky. That’s why you should never play with matches, kid.

You Better Stay Inside Tonight, Cindy. I Don’t Like The Looks Of Those Clouds. | Sep 15 2017

Cindy, you’re gonna have to cancel those plans you had tonight. There’s a storm coming and I don’t want you getting caught in it. Gosh, I really don’t like the looks of the clouds heading this way. No way are you taking the car out in this weather.