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The Brown Noser

Opinion (Sep 14 2018 issue)

My Heart Will Always Be In Cleveland But The Rest Of My Body Will Be Cryogenically Preserved To Achieve Immortality by LeBron James | Sep 14 2018

Dear Cleveland, I may have joined the Los Angeles Lakers but don’t think that makes my time in Cleveland any less special. Your support has meant the world to me and my heart will always be with you. However, the rest of my body will be cryogenically preserved to achieve immortality.

Yes, Ye May Have A Coffee Free, If Ye Can Solve Mine Riddles Three - By Flimgog The Troll, Manager of Shiru Café | Sep 14 2018

Aye, so ye want Flimgog’s coffee for free? Riddle me then, mine Shiru riddles three! Beginning your quest to quench your dire thirst, attempt, if you’re able, mine riddle the first: I’m an inbox that’s full Of mail only for you And I usually end with brown.edu.

Every Time I Try To Sneak Around On My Tippy Toes, Some Asshole Starts Playing A Xylophone In The Background! | Sep 14 2018

Alright, get this: every single time I try to carefully sneak around, some rascal somewhere just whips out his xylophone and gets right to it. Every single time. No sooner have I started diligently creeping my way down a hallway, with utmost caution and vigilance, when this pentatonic prick grabs his mallets and starts banging away.

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