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The Brown Noser

Science & Technology (Sep 17 2021 issue)

Kooky Tinkerers Call On Nation To Make Switch From Fossils Fuels To Rube Goldberg Machines | Sep 17 2021

At a press conference on Tuesday, the nation’s kooky tinkerers called on the American energy sector to abandon fossil fuels in favor of elaborate Rube Goldberg machines. “As the science on climate change has made alarmingly clear, it is imperative that we end our reliance on coal, oil, and natural gas and invest in intricate contraptions powered by silly chain reactions,” said tinkerer Ed Fredrickson as he passionately made the case for Rube Goldberg machine energy solutions.

Biologists Confirm Octopuses Smart, But Like, They Still Octopuses Let’s Not Get Ahead Of Ourselves | Sep 17 2021

A breathtaking new study published in The Journal of Zoological Research demonstrates that all octopus species are remarkably smart, but, like, they’re still octopuses so the word “smart” is relative here. “What we have found in octopuses is a surprising ability to distinguish between shapes and patterns,” said co-author of the study Dr.

Amazon’s Newest Environmental Initiative Requires Drivers To Transition To Reusable Piss Bottles | Sep 17 2021

In its latest press release, E-commerce giant Amazon has revealed its newest environmental initiative requiring delivery drivers to use reusable piss bottles. “Single-use plastic bottles can linger in our oceans and other natural ecosystems for almost 500 years!” said Amazon’s public relations officer Stanley Mortimer.

COVID Unveils Delta Silver Premium For Longtime Subscribers | Sep 17 2021

As the Delta and Delta Plus variants continue to spike across the country, COVID has announced a new Delta Silver Premium option for longtime subscribers. “Some of you have been tempting fate for a long time now,” said COVID at a press conference last week.

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