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The Brown Noser

Science & Technology (Dec 05 2008 issue)

Sexy Telescope to be Renamed "Hubble Hubble" | Dec 05 2008

In light of imminent budget cuts and the retirement of the space shuttle in 2010, yesterday NASA launched a public relations mission to change the face of America's ailing space agency. NASA Chief Administrator Mike Griffin, sporting a new pocket protector, announced the new "Space is Sensual" Campaign at Kennedy Space Center in the redesigned Cape Canavirile.

Scientists Discover Inverse Relationship Between Coolness of Segway and Number of Wheels | Dec 05 2008

After months of arduous research and meticulous testing, scientists have discovered that there is an inverse relationship between the number of wheels on a given Segway and the perceived coolness of the user. After totaling the costs of prototype design and construction, and the employment of test subjects and judges, the experiment totaled nearly 5.

Periodic Table Menstruates, Covers Class in Tricalcium Phosphate | Dec 05 2008

Proud mother Dmitri Mendeleev held up several tricalcium phosphate soaked sweaters as she addressed the press yesterday morning. "My little baby has become a woman!" she blustered, nearly leaking with joy. For years, chemistry students have been monitoring the prepubescent development of the periodic table.

Barus And Holley Thermostats Collectively Replaced by a Monkey with a Weather Machine | Dec 05 2008

In an effort to stabilize the increasingly volatile temperature swings in Barus and Holley lecture halls, Dean of Engineering Kelvin Farius announced yesterday plans to replace all of the building's thirty-five thermostats with Igor, the "Weather Monkey." Igor will be stationed in a cage in Barus and Holley's service elevator, where he will be given a machine with various knobs, dials and buttons featuring pictures of wavy blue lines and jagged red lines, among other drawings of climate conditions.

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