Friday, April 19, 2024
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Sep 07 2011 issue)

Adorable 8-Year-Old Kidnapper Demands $1 Bajillion Ransom | Sep 07 2011

In a recent development in the Rebecca Skylar abduction case, 8-year-old kidnapper Billy Hawser released a video in which he brandished a shiny pistol at a flustered Skylar and demanded a ransom of “one bajillion dollars.”

Watermelon Only Thing Holding Family Reunion Together | Sep 07 2011

Half of a juicy watermelon sliced into thick but not-too-thick triangles single-handedly kept the Paterson biannual family reunion on Saturday from erupting into fits of yelling and physical scuffles about Dan’s new wife Cheryl, Grandpa Martin’s will and how everyone knows Michelle is probably having an affair with that protein-guzzling Mike guy from her gym but is scared to tell her husband Henry because they don’t know if he could handle it since he picked up a drinking problem when his and Dan’s father died.

Old Man Waging Silent, Secret War Against Everyone Everywhere | Sep 07 2011

According to a report recently released by the CIA, elderly Providence resident Lionel Earle has been waging a secret war against everyone for as long as 25 years. The CIA reported that Earle first declared war on the “’goddamn college kid neighbors’ who played their ‘loud raps music’ so that he couldn’t sleep” back in 1986. Shortly thereafter, Earle’s war grew to include “all the ‘dumb-ass lard-heads on his street,’ and from there it escalated to the national level.”

Search The Brown Noser