Partly Cloudy, 64°
Half of a juicy watermelon sliced into thick but not-too-thick triangles single-handedly kept the Paterson biannual family reunion on Saturday from erupting into fits of yelling and physical scuffles about Dan’s new wife Cheryl, Grandpa Martin’s will and how everyone knows Michelle is probably having an affair with that protein-guzzling Mike guy from her gym but is scared to tell her husband Henry because they don’t know if he could handle it since he picked up a drinking problem when his and Dan’s father died.
“Oh man, this is delicious,” said Dan Paterson, licking watermelon juice from his lips instead of forming the words necessary to tell his ex-wife Melinda (his brother Henry’s boss) that he remarried because he was scared it would endanger Henry’s job, which he needs now more than ever to keep his mind off of Dad.
“Seedless is so much easier to eat, too,” he added.
Michelle Paterson purchased the organic watermelon on her way back from the gym, where she — as everyone assumed but was too busy enjoying the crisp pink watermelon to tell Henry — had just come from blowing that steroid-pushing asshole Mike in the sauna again.
“Not too mushy,” said Henry, the succulent watermelon mixing in his stomach with sips from his third Samuel Adams since arriving and the eighth for the day, each amber ounce another swig closer to drowning his regret for not calling his father once more.
“Where did you get this?” he asked.
“Just Safeway, nothing special,” said Michelle, taking another slice to mask the taste of Mike’s flesh in the back of her throat. “I had a coupon.”
Cheryl used the thirst-quenching watermelon as a conversation starter with Michelle. The conversation detailed their mutual enjoyment of the watermelon and not about the time when Michelle threw a chair before storming out on Cheryl and Dan’s wedding, cursing him as a selfish prick and a bad brother for jeopardizing Henry’s job when he’s already struggling with Dad’s death.
There was no watermelon at the wedding.
“Only one more piece left?” said Cheryl, who had never before gotten so much sweet watermelon nectar onto her face nor met Grandpa Martin but, for no reason that Michelle could discern, was being given almost as much as her in the will. “Don’t mind if I do.”
Following the removal of the last slice of sumptuous watermelon from the tray, Michelle finally had her hands free to break a chair over Cheryl’s head just as Dan was telling Michelle he had "really enjoyed the watermelon.” Dan then grabbed Cheryl by the hand and took her inside to clean off the blood right before Henry tackled Dan as he screamed between embittered drunken sobs that "it might be worth going back to the store to pick up more watermelon” after they ate the only thing holding his life together.
The other half of the perfectly ripe watermelon was purchased for the Montgomery family reunion. With two slices left to go, the tender-yet-crunchy watermelon has narrowly kept Edward Montgomery from shooting himself since his mother-in-law Beth Clarkson found out about his cocaine addiction and was threatening to tell his partner, Jared Mosely.
