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According to a report recently released by the CIA, elderly Providence resident Lionel Earle has been waging a secret war against everyone for as long as 25 years. The CIA reported that Earle first declared war on the “’goddamn college kid neighbors’ who played their ‘loud raps music’ so that he couldn’t sleep” back in 1986. Shortly thereafter, Earle’s war grew to include “all the ‘dumb-ass lard-heads on his street,’ and from there it escalated to the national level.”
But few people knew about what has been the longest, coldest, most passive aggressive war in American history even though they were unsuspectingly fighting it everyday of their lives. As one top-ranking CIA official explained, “Earle is America’s worst nightmare. Unseen, unheard, unstoppable. He’s the guy going 40 on the freeway, the mean old man who has a completely unused pool that he still won’t let your kids swim in. The sick freak who continually lets his dog poop on your lawn. That asshole who voted for Bush — twice. And would do it again if he could. Forget al-Qaeda. God save us from this crotchety old fart.”
Earle’s latest attack targeted a local Providence Whole Foods, where he attempted to use three thousand $1 coupons to buy a crate of microwaveable chicken tikka masala. After scrupulously reviewing his receipt, Earle determined he had been cheated and demanded to see the manager. When the manager arrived, Earle proceeded to deride him about customer service, the economy and poor posture.
Government officials failed to arrive on the scene in time, but they did manage to find what appears to be a manifesto disguised as Earle’s grocery list. In the opening lines of the tirade against crunchy peanut butter and various other items sold at the store, Earle makes his demands clear. “Need more prunes. Also Bugles.” It should be noted that “Bugles” is underlined twice.
Authorities worry that Earle’s brutal, sustained assault on an unsuspecting humankind may inspire other octogenarian would-be terrorists to take up arms. Several military task forces have formed in Washington to deal with what officials are now calling “The Mean Old Grandpa Complex.”
However, hopes were dashed earlier this week when a CIA operation that sent a team of Navy SEALs to assassinate Earle failed after he turned the hose on them and informed all of them that he would be calling their mothers.
