The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Nov 04 2011 issue)

Bagel Gourmet to Open New Location within Existing Bagel Gourmet | Nov 04 2011

Serving quality Mexican food and excessive amounts of cream cheese to Brown’s student population, the Bagel Gourmet franchise has always remained a marketable one.

Cranky Alcoholic Must Have Woken Up on Wrong Side of Street | Nov 04 2011

The curmudgeonly behavior of local alcoholic Ray Johnston indicates that he probably woke up on the wrong side of the street, or with a bottle up his ass, or simply saddened by the terrible turn that his life has taken as a result of his addiction. Providence residents, passing by a visibly unhappy Johnston on Waterman Street this morning, agreed upon the humor inherent in the idea that the longtime vagrant’s bad mood had resulted from falling asleep on a side of the road that was somehow inferior to the other side.

Secretary of Education Suggests Nation's Teachers Try Talking Louder | Nov 04 2011

Explaining that American public school students probably didn’t hear them the first time, United States Secretary of Education Arne Duncan on Tuesday called on educators to repeat last year’s curriculum in a slow, loud and clear voice. “Teachers, you all just need to pause for a second, take a deep breath and then say the same things you just said about math and literature and stuff, but louder,” said Duncan.

Hundreds of Bodies Found in Local Cemetery | Nov 04 2011

An unprecedented tragedy has befallen the people of Lincoln. Police are in the process of unearthing corpses from the cemetery beside the Lincoln Presbyterian Church in what appears to be the largest serial killing in history. Forensic investigators say the killer – gaining notoriety as the ‘Lincoln Butcher’ – places his victims in artfully carved and lavishly padded crates and inters them in a grid-like pattern behind the church.

Mitt Romney Shatters | Nov 04 2011

Tragedy struck the Romney campaign Thursday evening, when it was discovered that at some point during a bus trip from Pennsylvania to Ohio, Mitt Romney had fallen over and shattered into a collection of small fragments. Mr. Romney, usually only used for large-scale events, was in sleep mode, preparing for a rally the next morning.

I Have Lied to You | Nov 04 2011

Good afternoon. I am sorry for arriving so late. My fellow party members were understandably upset with me for lying to them about my recent actions, and I wanted to take the time to give them all a full apology. But now I am here, and it’s time to clear up any doubts you all may have.