Partly Cloudy, 64°
Good afternoon. I am sorry for arriving so late. My fellow party members were understandably upset with me for lying to them about my recent actions, and I wanted to take the time to give them all a full apology. But now I am here, and it’s time to clear up any doubts you all may have.
On Thursday I called a press conference, similar to this one, in which I apologized for lying to you at the emergency press conference I called several days before that. At the emergency press conference, I had denounced my political opponents for doubting the sincerity of my initial apology press conference three weeks ago. Of course, it turned out my opponents were absolutely correct to doubt me. I was lying to you then, I was lying to you at the emergency press conference and I was tearfully lying to you last week when I said I had finally managed to stop lying.
That was also when I vowed that I would never again cry openly at a press conference. As you can see, I lied to you about that as well.
But here is the truth. Immediately after Thursday’s press conference I went home and did a very foolish thing. That same thing that I did to create this whole mess, I did again, several times, and in a far more morally questionable way than before. Then I called my chief of staff and asked her to send out a release claiming I had never done the thing, not ever. She warned me that it would directly contradict what I had publicly said just hours earlier, but I ordered her to send it anyway. Only with hindsight did I realize what a hugely destructive error this was.
There is no excuse for how I have lied. I did it without thinking — the first time at least. The times after that, I admit I thought about it a lot and still decided to continue lying. For that, there is truly no excuse. And I realize it may prove impossible for me to muster the levels of apparent sincerity and humility necessary to convince you that I am not, at the moment, lying. But damned if I’m not going to try.
I want to apologize to my wife and to my kids, of whom I should now admit there are only two. I was exaggerating when I said I had seven kids, and I am deeply sorry for that. I was embarrassed and just wanted everyone to be on my side. So I embellished certain details about my life, such as the number of kids I have.
It was also a misstep to embellish further by claiming that I had four wives. I honestly can’t tell you what was going through my head to make me think the public would take pity on me as a man who must support multiple spouses and children while working one of the toughest jobs in America. Truth be told, the job isn’t even that tough. Granting oneself the liberty of constantly lying to everyone certainly makes things much easier.
I wish I had never lied in the first place. Even more than that, I wish I could keep on lying without suffering any consequences. However, since both of those options seem to be off the table, all I am able to do is hang my head, express my profound regret and ask you to believe me.
I now realize I should come clean about the real reason I was late today. I was not apologizing to my colleagues. In fact, I asked them to meet me in a completely different city and stood them up. I then gave you a start time for this press conference that was two hours early, knowing full well that what I told you was a lie. All the while, I remained at home and continued to do the unspeakable thing we have already discussed. It was a lapse in judgment, I admit.
Let me clarify that I acted alone in this, and that what I’ve done isn’t part of any “master plan.” This isn’t some sinister government conspiracy to destroy our nation’s family values from the top down. It’s my fault and no one else’s, and I need to take full responsibility for my actions.
Finally, I have another apology to make. I have lied to you again, twelve seconds ago, when I denied that there is an evil government morality conspiracy. There definitely is one, I am an important part of it and it goes all the way to the top. I’m so sorry I lied about it for so long. My staff will be distributing a list of the other conspirators after I take questions. I will now take questions.
Of course, the truth is that I will not be taking questions.
