The Brown Noser

Opinion (Dec 13 2024 issue)

I Need To Fight Guy In Cargo Pants But Who Knows What He’s Got In There by William Roberts | Dec 13 2024

I seriously need to fight this guy in cargo pants, but who knows what he’s got in his pockets? I’ve really, really gotta get some payback on this guy, but he’s just got so many pockets, and they’re So. Damn. Big. I need to teach him a serious lesson, but there’s just no limit to what he could have hidden in there.

What Up, What Up! Only 65 Tickets Left @ $16. After That Prices Rising To $24. Venmo Quick Guys Or You Are Not Coming To DPhi’s Jurassic Park After Dark. Like ASAP. by Beau Sinclair from Facebook | Dec 13 2024

My fellow brothers and all you gorgeous ladies, what’s with the hesitation? Get those Venmos in before we raise those prices. C’mon now. 300 tickets already sold!! There are very few left—only 150 total, if I had to guess. You might as well snag one at the very bargain price of $16.

Oh, Your Newborn Has To Wear A Helmet? If Only They Had Evolved A Hard Outer Protection Of Some Kind by Egg | Dec 13 2024

Congratulations on your new baby boy! I saw that you outfitted his pliable noggin with a fun, colorful helmet. How necessary. The design choices you made for your son are quite fascinating to me, and I’d love to chat with you just to understand how it came to this.

It’s Actually So Hard Being Popular And Only Known For Killer Looks When I Actually Have A Brain Up Here by Stacey Sweeney | Dec 13 2024

I know you don’t understand what it’s like to constantly be the hottest, most well-liked person in the room, but trust me, it’s a struggle. Sure, everyone is staring at my bronzed, toned legs that go on for miles and commenting on the way my cheekbones look like they were carved out of marble, but you know what they never talk about? My brain.

POINT: You’ve Had A Second Family For Years, How Could You Betray Me And Your Children Like This? / COUNTERPOINT: A Magician Never Reveals His Secrets | Dec 13 2024

POINT: You’ve Had A Second Family For Years, How Could You Betray Me And Your Children Like This? by Aggrieved Wife Thirteen years of marriage, and you’ve had a second family for ten of them. Ten fucking years. How could you do this to me? To our kids? I don’t even know how I’m going to explain this to them.

It's Weird That They Put All Those Sex Swings, Sex Slides, and Sex Monkey Bars In Public Like That by Man Who Doesn't Understand What A Playground Is | Dec 13 2024

I can’t seriously be the only one who thinks it’s weird that they put all those sex swings, sex slides, and sex monkey bars in public like that, right? I mean, the other day I was driving home from work, and I was flabbergasted to see that they were putting up yet another one of these public sex dungeons.