Partly Cloudy, 64°
Congratulations on your new baby boy! I saw that you outfitted his pliable noggin with a fun, colorful helmet. How necessary.
The design choices you made for your son are quite fascinating to me, and I’d love to chat with you just to understand how it came to this. The helmet is to protect his head? Yeah, I can see that. Do you mind if I play “deviled egg-vocate” for a moment (see what I did there)? What if a strong compressive force was applied to your child? To help you visualize this scenario more vividly, think of your son being compressed under an object much larger than it, much like the burden of the humble yet robust egg. Would your chubby human offspring not be fatally crushed? How tragic! If only you’d had the forethought to evolve a hard outer protection for your infant son, which could withstand nearly 250 pounds of steady downward pressure. But I ramble.
Sorry, no, I actually have significantly more to say. I’m a little surprised that you didn’t take the obvious social cue to ask me about my own shell’s sleek and effective craftsmanship. No matter, I’ll dispense my thoughts anyway. You see, I am an egg. Witnessing your son suffering from the actions of such neglectful parents means I simply must recommend my personal techniques out of empathy and the goodness of my yolk. Being an egg has really worked for me in the past, and I don’t think there are any alternatives that could work as well as being an egg. Despite this “helmet,” your kid is still quite jiggly and exposed, and in addition to proving your incompetence, it’s also objectively disgusting to look at. Why not fortify your child with something as structurally sound as 0.3 millimeters of calcium carbonate? It has a far superior tensile strength. The fact that you didn’t already know that means you’re probably not cut out for this. You’ve really screwed your kid over, basically for the rest of his life.
Obviously that’s just my opinion, no need to take it seriously. I did major in Materials Engineering in college, though, with a concentration in Ovoid Studies. I suppose if I had been there to educate you before you had birthed your embarrassingly squishy son, you might’ve avoided embarrassing him further with the blue plastic shell you have strapped to his cranium. Just food for thought.
