WOOOOO COLLEGE! I freakin’ love this! I swear I’m partying, like, every night. In high school, I would have been asleep three hours ago, but instead I’m pounding back beers on the basement floor of Keeney. Life has never been better!
Greetings! With the beginning of each new academic year, my slowly-decomposing heart smiles with pride. As we are now entering yet another year of learning and enlightenment here at Brown University, I’d like to take this opportunity to address some rumors that have been circulating for the past 248 years about my means of founding this prestigious university.
Brenda, my sweet. Look at you. Sun glistening off your forehead, eyes shining like a beacon in the night. Mark my words Brenda: I love you more than you could ever know. I cherish you like the sweetest fruit. And I wish I could do something about the bees. I really do.
Hi there new best friend! I know some people might think it’s a little soon to call you my best friend, but it’s been two whole days now and I can’t ignore the feelings inside of me. I realized it was true last night, so I made sure to sever ties with every friend I had during high school.
I look at these innocent, fortunate nobodies. Look at them! Freshmen without a care in the world, save their clothes and their hormones and their desire to impress descendants of famous people. Free to blissfully live their own lives, free from the fear that at any moment they might be accosted by some fame-seeking urchin, squealing “Regis! Regis! Sing for us a selection from your great-grandfather’s oeuvre, like the classics ‘Stardust’ and ‘The Nearness of You’, which number among the most-recorded songs in American history!”
I have 50 minutes at 9 a.m. tomorrow to prove that I’m comfortable with everything I’ve learned during the past few weeks about my ex, and I’m so behind on stalking it’s ridiculous. Maybe I should close Facebook and take a quick peek at my anatomy textbook?
Partly Cloudy, 64°
