The Brown Noser

Opinion (May 09 2012 issue)

What If 999 People Register for Intermediate Swedish Before I Do? | May 09 2012

Guys, I’m really worried. There’s this Swedish class I want to take in the fall, but there are only 999 spots. What if there’s no more room by the time I register? I’m a rising junior, but there are still 999 seniors who could possibly take this class.

Welcome to Pain City, I’m the Mayor of Pain City and I’m Going to Hurt You | May 09 2012

Doug, you’ve done something very, very foolish with your meddling. I hope you’ve got your traveler’s insurance handy and your luggage tags are up to date because you’ve booked yourself a one-way ticket to Pain City. Now I’m not one to criticize a man’s itinerary.

No Religion Is Stranger Than Any Other, Except This Creepy Religion I Invented | May 09 2012

Well, hello, there. I’ve heard a lot of religion-bashing goin’ around this fine country of ours lately, so I thought it might be time for old Mortimer Durkin to set the record straight. People who think their religious beliefs are right, and all others are wrong, are damn fools.

Were You Adopted? By Your Dad? | May 09 2012

Jeffrey, there’s something your mother and I have to say to you. Now, you know we love you very much, and nothing would ever change that. That said, there’s something we’ve been meaning to share with you for a long time, and we feel it’s important that you hear it.

Baby, Why Can't You Be More Like My Slackline? | May 09 2012

Girl, these last few days I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. With my head, you know? Head-thinking. And I have to say, I think we’ll both be so much happier in our relationship if you were just a little bit more like a slackline. You’re giving me a look like, “What? I don’t understand,” so I can only assume you don’t understand.

Corporations are Evil! – Sent from my iPad® | May 09 2012

Today while reading the news on my iPhone™ on the toilet, I learned that a CORPORATION was making MONEY! Again! I can’t believe this travesty is allowed in the 21st century. Isn’t this exactly how we landed in this economic mess to begin with? Naturally, I dropped everything to run to my Macbook Pro© and conduct some research, and I found that not one but many, many corporations, banks and other morally bankrupt institutions have been earning profits for years right under our noses! What did we elect Obama for? This doesn’t sound like hope or change to me.