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The Brown Noser

Were You Adopted? By Your Dad?

Published Wednesday, May 9th, 2012

Jeffrey, there’s something your mother and I have to say to you. Now, you know we love you very much, and nothing would ever change that. That said, there’s something we’ve been meaning to share with you for a long time, and we feel it’s important that you hear it.

Were you adopted?

Now I know that this may come as a shock. But, again, know that your mother and I love you no matter what. At least we think we do. Do we? Is she even your real mom?

I’m sorry. That sounded bad. Let me at least say this: we love our son very much. Are you him? Like, biologically?

There just seems to be some discrepancy over whether you were adopted and we were hoping you might be able to shed some light on the subject. Thoughts? Nope?

Please, take your time. We’ve certainly taken yours! Especially considering you may not even be our kid. That would be weird, right? You never know though. If you do, though, you should tell us. We’re really curious.

You’re probably asking yourself a lot of big questions right now. How could they keep this from me? Where are my real parents? Am I this couple’s son?

These questions are perfectly healthy and reasonable things to ask. Which is why we are also asking them. Please let us know if you have any information regarding their answers.

Sorry we’ve kept this from you for so long. We just didn’t know when the time would be right. But I think it’s best that you know now, and perhaps you can help us figure it out because we honestly haven’t got the faintest idea.

Anyway, thanks for having this talk, son—whoops! Better hold off on calling you that until we get this straightened out.

Contingent love,
Dad?

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