The Brown Noser

Opinion (Dec 03 2014 issue)

Baseball Players Get Paid?! | Dec 03 2014

You’re serious? What about center fielders? Shortstops? No way. There’s just no way all those guys get paid money for running around a field and swinging bats! I mean, it’s a good enough game, and I’d be lying if I told you I don’t tune in from time to time, but I’m just not clear on why they’d be getting compensated.

A Lot Of Times I Like To Think Of America As A Spaceship And I’m The Captain. Plus, I Have Absolute Control Over The Crew And The Universe. By Barack Obama | Dec 03 2014

On days when running this country just becomes too stressful, I sit back and imagine that America is a spaceship, and I’m the captain. Plus, I have complete power over the crew and the universe. This job is trying, so at times the only way to cope is by picturing myself at the helm of a large spaceship, controlling every last bit of matter in existence. It’s a silly little day dream, but it helps get me through the day, you know?

There Are Too Many Cooks In The Kitchen Sink! By A Group Of Cooks Stuck In A Kitchen Sink | Dec 03 2014

Having worked in the food services industry for quite a long time now, we know quite well how a kitchen ought to be properly run. It means always having ingredients on hand, communicating effectively with the wait staff, and, of course, never letting your workspace become too hectic. But look what’s happened: there are too many cooks in the kitchen sink, and now we’re stuck here and we can’t get out.

There's Nothing Like The First Time You Hold Your Child In Your Bionic Arms | Dec 03 2014

The miracle of birth is a beautiful thing to witness. After nine long months of waiting and making the necessary preparations, this newborn comes into your life and nothing will ever be the same. And I’ve got to tell you: there’s nothing like the first moment you hold your child in your bionic arms.

We Actually Solved Sneezing A Long Time Ago, But Think It's Really Funny by The American Medical Association | Dec 03 2014

You may not have noticed this, but doctors do not sneeze. The truth is, the medical community developed a cure to sneezing over three decades ago and have not shared it with the public only because we think it is very funny when people sneeze.

You’re The Love Of This Part Of My Life | Dec 03 2014

Baby, you’re so amazing. When I’m with you, everything just seems easy. You’re sweet, hilarious, and gorgeous. Those are all attributes that make you perfect for me right now, but it’s hard to say what I’ll want in five or ten years. I know it’s a little cheesy, but I honestly feel like you’re the love of this part of my life.