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The Brown Noser

A Lot Of Times I Like To Think Of America As A Spaceship And I’m The Captain. Plus, I Have Absolute Control Over The Crew And The Universe. By Barack Obama

Published Wednesday, December 3rd, 2014

On days when running this country just becomes too stressful, I sit back and imagine that America is a spaceship, and I’m the captain. Plus, I have complete power over the crew and the universe. This job is trying, so at times the only way to cope is by picturing myself at the helm of a large spaceship, controlling every last bit of matter in existence. It’s a silly little day dream, but it helps get me through the day, you know?

In my imagination, I am in charge of the crew. To be more precise, I’m not just “in charge” of the crew, I have absolute authority over them. My crew doesn’t ask me for permission to use the lavatories, I determine when they feel the need to urinate. Love does not exist on the spaceship, unless I decree it so. When my crew members look in the mirror, they see nothing because that is my will.

On my spaceship, I like to travel the galaxy and visit different planets. The cool part about my fantasy is that I am in charge of the planets. All citizens on these planets must obey me. I rule all, big and small. I endow every mote of dust with a purpose, yet oversee the graceful rotation of the planets around their suns, which are also controlled by me.

This world of make-believe is fun for me to live in. In this fancy, I sometimes feel so much authority that it physically manifests itself into a second Captain Obama. This is always a surreal moment. I look into my duplicate’s eyes. I am literally staring at a man that, despite looking like me, is nothing. He is merely the natural byproduct of a man endowed with so much power that some must transfer to a selfsame being like a raindrop so large it splits into two.

I then kill this creature because I am, have always been, and will always be One.

I like to indulge in this whimsy occasionally, for no other reason than to pass the time. As I said, being president isn’t easy. Without doodling during meetings, eating dinner with my family every night, and dreaming that I have reign over the universe for all time, I don’t think I could handle all the pressure. I deal with a lot of important issues as president, but it’s the little things that keep me sane.

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