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The Brown Noser

Science & Technology (Apr 19 2019 issue)

Delusional Marine Biologist Thinks He Discovered The First Lobster | Apr 19 2019

After seeing a lobster during a research trip in Narragansett Bay, delusional marine biologist Jamie France thought that he was the first person to discover the species. “No one will believe this,” France reported, having no idea that a lobster is a very well-known animal.

Doctor Won’t Stop Using Icky Words | Apr 19 2019

Dr. Alexandria Webb’s patients have reported that the doctor won’t stop using icky words. “Completely disgusting,” complained patient Joe Bergo after an appointment with Webb. “She said all sorts of icky things like sphincter, fluid, orifice, and bowel.

UN Study On Climate Finds We Only Have One Night To Be Young, In Love, On Top Of World | Apr 19 2019

The world’s leading climate scientists have confirmed in a joint international study that, due to global climate change, we only have one night to be young, in love, and on top of the world. “We have been continuing down a path of dangerously high carbon emissions for far too long,” remarked Dr.

YouTube Wants You To Watch America’s Got Talent Auditions So Bad | Apr 19 2019

In a press conference last Tuesday, YouTube representative Lily Eastman explained that the video-sharing website wants you to watch America’s Got Talent auditions so bad. “We’re going to recommend every audition ever to you,” said Eastman.

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