Tuesday, September 17, 2019
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The Brown Noser

UN Study On Climate Finds We Only Have One Night To Be Young, In Love, On Top Of World

Published Friday, April 19th, 2019

The world’s leading climate scientists have confirmed in a joint international study that, due to global climate change, we only have one night to be young, in love, and on top of the world.

“We have been continuing down a path of dangerously high carbon emissions for far too long,” remarked Dr. Ivan Mikhailov, chair of the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC). “At this point, the IPCC regretfully must conclude that, baby, tonight’s the night. Let’s drive top down on the freeway, let’s party on a rooftop overlooking the lights of New York City, hell, let’s do molly!”

Mikhailov went on to point out that their data concretely proves that man-made global climate change will increase the amount and intensity of disastrous hurricanes. These tropical storms, concluded the IPCC, will provide the perfect opportunity to dance in the rain and feel the wind blowing in your hair.

“The Arctic only has about two more good years left,” continued Mikhailov, “And, you know what, so do we! While we may be young adults now, soon we’ll just be adults. So let’s forget about the future and just spend tonight being dumb for once!”

At press time, members of the IPCC have been spotted breaking into their high school at night and skinny dipping in the pool.

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