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The Brown Noser

Science & Technology (Apr 30 2008 issue)

EmPOWER Cites Recent Increase in Temperatures, Sunlight as Evidence of Global Warming | Apr 30 2008

EmPOWER, the student group advocating the University's carbon-neutrality, released a report last week urging the Brown community to "Look around! You will see alarmingly rapid temperature rises, flowers where just a few weeks ago were bare branches, and even augmented daylight hours.

NASA Reports, "Outer Space Just Not the Same Without Communists" | Apr 30 2008

NASA Director Robert Johnson made a formal address Tuesday describing the "dark, cold, endless void in [his] chest where [his] heart previously was". "I speak on behalf of the entire administration when I say with great despondence that outer space just isn't the same without communists," Johnson stated at a press conference held earlier this week.

110% Effort Statistically Impossible | Apr 30 2008

5,000 student council campaign speeches and half-time addresses were recalled yesterday after a ground-breaking discovery was released in Journal Mathematica by acclaimed mathematician James Charles: a 110% effort is actually statistically impossible. Mary Seem, student council president of Pine High, is one local student who had her winning speech from last year recalled.

Binge Drinking Linked with Brain Damage, Having Friends | Apr 30 2008

A rigorous, four year-long study conducted by Marcia Kulik of the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation has linked binge drinking with low-level brain damage, as well as a host of other serious side effects. Kulik explained that of these effects, by far the most significant were heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and being really popular.

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