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The Brown Noser

Science & Technology (Dec 05 2014 issue)

Doctor Likes To Think Of Himself As Vet For Humans | Dec 05 2014

Citing his lifelong love of people and knowledge of “what makes humans tick,” area general practitioner Stanley Friedman said he thinks of himself as a veterinarian except for humans. “The key is to treat human patients just as well as you would cats or dogs,” said Friedman, who operates a successful family practice on Providence’s East Side. “After all, people need love too.”

L'Oréal Introduces New Revitalizing Shampoo That Under No Circumstances Should Be Worshipped As A God | Dec 05 2014

In a recent press release, cosmetics and haircare manufacturer L’Oréal announced that it would soon introduce a new revitalizing shampoo that’s great for straight and wavy hair but by no means deserves to be worshipped as a god. “After just two weeks of using the new Shea Voluminous Shampoo, your hair will be thicker and stronger,” said L’Oréal spokesperson Grant Brigham. “However, this product is not so great that it deserves your unwavering religious observance. That would just be ridiculous.”

STUDY: Average American Eats So Many Pounds Of Chocolate In Their Lifetime That We’re Not Even Going To Tell You | Dec 05 2014

A new longitudinal study put out by the American Journal of Public Health revealed that the average American eats such an absurd amount of chocolate over the course of a lifetime that they refused to even publish the actual numbers. “It’s a lot,” reported head researcher Paul Corban, pushing an open folder off of his desk before anyone could catch a glimpse. “Jesus Christ, it’s so much.”

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