The Brown Noser

Science & Technology (Oct 06 2015 issue)

90% Of Stolen Cars Taken In Time Between Unlocking, Reaching Door | Oct 06 2015

According to a recent study released by the Department of Motor Vehicles, 90 percent of stolen cars are taken in the brief seconds between unlocking and reaching the driver’s side door. “We have found that the vast majority of car thefts occur after the unlock button beeps and before the owner’s hand touches the door handle, around the time it takes to walk 15 feet,” said study researcher Sally Feekler, adding that victims of such thefts report seeing a stranger sprint towards the car and slip into the driver’s seat within seconds of the unlock button sounding.

Body Heat Dissipates Fastest Through Gaping Hole In Head, Study Finds | Oct 06 2015

According to a study released last Wednesday by the American Medical Association, body heat escapes fastest through the giant open hole in the back of the head. The study found that, in ascending order, heat escapes fastest through the hands, feet, left eye, right eye, mouth, and finally the gaping head hole, noting that head hole was by far the biggest heat loser by an order of magnitude.

Chameleons Could Be Very Common, Scientists Suggest | Oct 06 2015

According to a report released last week, chameleons could actually be very common. “I mean think about it,” said lead author Kirk Pickle. “Those fuckers can turn any color in like a second and they blend right in! You put one on a table—bam!—table-colored.

New Skype For Long-Distance Relationships Fades Video Quality To Match Strength Of Couple’s Emotional Connection | Oct 06 2015

At a press conference Tuesday, Microsoft unveiled a new version of their video-chat service Skype designed specifically for couples in long distance relationships that degrades the quality of its video stream to match a pair’s emotional intimacy over time.

Report: Person Who Will Suffer To 150 Years Old Already Born | Oct 06 2015

A recent report by the Mayo Clinic argues that due to advances in life-extending technologies that fail to make the world better for the majority of the world’s population, the first person who will suffer through 150 years of life has likely already been born.

Study: Dolphin The Only Other Mammal That Has Good Sex | Oct 06 2015

According to a new study released by the Animal Behavior Research Group at the University of Chicago, dolphins are the only other mammals besides humans that have good sex. “Our findings indicate that dolphins have sex for pleasure and that they know all the good sex positions,” said Associate Professor Melina Kay.