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The Brown Noser

Sports (Sep 15 2017 issue)

Spelling Bee Runner-Up Rohan Rajeev Hits Weight Room Hard In Offseason | Sep 15 2017

Spurred by last year’s tough loss, Scripps National Spelling Bee runner-up Rohan Rajeev has been hitting the weight room hard in preparation for the upcoming spelling season. “After the finals, Rohan was pretty distraught,” said Rajeev’s mother, who initially feared her son was neglecting his dictionary work, but has since been inspired by her son’s pursuit of excellence.

Manhunt Is Way Different And Way Cooler Than Hide-And-Seek, Nation’s Seventh Graders Report | Sep 15 2017

Citing the fact that manhunt is played at night which infinitely raises the stakes, the nation’s seventh graders report that manhunt is way different and way cooler than hide-and-seek. “Hide-and-seek is for kids,” asserted the nation’s seventh graders, appalled that the comparison between the two games would be so ignorantly drawn.

Family Done Sucking Up To Neighbors With Pool Until Next Summer | Sep 15 2017

Following the onset of colder fall weather, the McCool family decided they were done buttering up their neighbors until they could use their pool again next summer. “We swallow our pride for four months and really kiss up to the Taylors,” explained Mrs.

Stunt Man Could’ve Been Real Actor Had He Not Been So Damn Unbreakable | Sep 15 2017

His strength and toughness consistently overshadowing his flawless acting technique, professional stuntman Eddie Chap could’ve been a real actor had he not been so damn unbreakable. “Sometimes I can’t help but think about the career I could have had in this business if I didn’t have such a knack for throwing myself off buildings and taking punches,” said Chap.

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