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When Herman Freeman woke up on the morning of his 75th birthday, he knew in his heart that he needed to do something to feel more alive. Thus, according to friends and family, he grabbed his wallet, checked into the nearest sleazy hospital room he could find and in one day blew his entire life savings on chemotherapy in a crazy end-of-life crisis.
“All in all, it’s just been a nightmare for all of us,” said Herman’s daughter, Janis Freeman. “It’s a terrible feeling to watch your dad quit his job and practically burn all of his hard-earned money on something as superficial as an additional twenty-some-odd years of life. Not really a sound investment in the long-term.”
According to his immediate family, Freeman’s recent frivolous spending is not merely confined to chemotherapy medication. It also includes a complete new wardrobe of pastel backless dresses, as well as multiple portraits of his bones.
“I hear he has a sweet new set of wheels now — one that only he’s allowed to drive,” said his eldest son, Rodney Freeman, regarding his father’s recent personal blunder. “I think it’s rude that he doesn’t let anyone take his wheelchair out for a spin once and a while. Not all of us can get the sympathy of youthful a nurse as easily as my dad.”
Furthermore, a large fraction of Freeman’s investments are also reportedly geared toward giving himself a more youthful physical appearance.
“Yeah, he’s on this crazy new designer diet or something – whatever it is he’s doing he’s lost a lot of weight,” said Janis. “And ever since this birthday of his, he’s been really self-conscious about losing his hair. At his age, he should be embracing it. He was never fooling anyone with the comb-over anyways.”
Although the effects of Herman’s costly quest for youth have been tough on his family, his close relatives realize his actions are not uncommon.
“In a perverse way, everyone is entitled to an end-of-life crisis,” said Martha. “Mary had a hell of a crisis when she splurged on plastic surgery to get her hip replaced. And Frank was one of the worst, spending God knows how much on his own funeral and practically giving away millions in his will.”
“In fact, this kind of thing happens to people all the time. I’m sure we’ll all look back on this and laugh.”
