Partly Cloudy, 64°
Yesterday, Brown University’s Department of Evil Studies announced a new 3,000 year curse.
“Thanks to generous gifts from donors, a successful fundraising campaign, and this ancient chest inscribed with arcane runes, we’ve been able to acquire a new curse,” said Donald Wright, chair of Evil Studies, sitting on a throne of knives. “This curse is top-of-the line, and will put us in competition with other major universities, like Harvard, Yale, and the smoldering ruins of Princeton after that meteor hit them.”
“Building on years of groundbreaking work at Brown in evil, malice, and wrongdoing, the new curse will encompass several key areas,” Wright said, rubbing his hands and letting out an evil laugh. “Famine, war, pestilence—nothing is off of the table. I’m incredibly excited by the versatility of this curse.”
“This project aligns strongly with Brown’s goals,” Wright exclaimed, wielding the staff of Elrohn the Malicious. “Now we can proudly lead the way in maledictions and evil.”
At press time, a swarm of locusts had eaten the football team.
