According to sources, Dr. Fred Garwood matter-of-factly stated your blood pressure is 114/78, despite you having no idea what the fuck that means.

“Your blood pressure is 114/78,” Dr. Garwood casually told you, unaware this conveyed absolutely no information whatsoever to you regarding your health. “Now, let’s move onto your temperature.”

When asked to elaborate, Dr. Garwood explained that he was reading the systolic pressure number over the diastolic pressure number in millimeters of mercury, which still provided no salient information to you, as you do not know what any of those words mean.

“Actually, let’s measure your blood pressure one more time, just to be certain,” Dr. Garwood said, leaving you wondering whether 114/78 blood pressure was a number you should be concerned about or if it was perfectly normal. “Yep, it’s still 114/78,” Dr. Garwood declared, without bothering to clarify further.

At press time, Dr. Garwood announced you had 15/20 vision, which left you wondering whether you’re nearsighted or farsighted.

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