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At 12:30 p.m., Timothy Cooper, age 6, and his new stepmother, Shelly Hamilton-Cooper, buried his recently deceased pet fish in Hamilton-Cooper’s second pack of empty cigarettes of the day.
“I was sad at first that my fish was gone,” stated Timothy, next to the tiny mound of dirt with a post-it stuck to a wine cork reading “RIP Fish” acting as a tomb stone. “But it’s cool that my old fish gets to be put in such a cool grave! His dead box has an Indian head on it. It was really nice of Shelly to use up all the mouth sticks she likes so much so my fish could have it. It was also nice of Shelly to feed the fish human food, I bet it made him feel special.”
Hamilton-Cooper has reportedly also shared her generosity with Timothy three days earlier, allowing him to eat all the pizza bagels in an unopened frozen pizza bagel box after his pet parrot died.
“Skippy was my best friend up until he went to the big parrot jungle in the sky,” stated Timothy, pointing to a slightly larger mound next to his late fish’s. “But after eating 15 whole pizza bagels while watching ‘Power Rangers’ instead of ‘Days of Our Lives,’ I wasn’t sad anymore. I bet Skippy loves his new dead box, because it smells like delicious pizza bagels all the time and he doesn’t even have to do pedicures to smell them. I bet he also loves it because he doesn’t have to live in the same cage as our cat anymore!”
Timothy was also grateful that his pet iguana Fizzy could spend his afterlife in a Franzia box, and his pet snake Fang in a recently emptied bottle of Merlot. Both reportedly love their new home, but will miss all the time they spent on their heating rocks.
“Shelly drank all of her fancy grape juice for my reptile friends, she’s the best,” mentioned Timmy, hugging his stepmother’s leg and staring at 20 different sized mounds. “I hope if our dog dies she’ll let me put him in our TV box. Maybe then I can finally see the Pokémon movie! And our dog can finally sleep in a real box, and not the oven.”
