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At approximately 4:00 a.m. PST, “The Comedy Central Roast of Robin Williams, Sponsored by Robin Williams,” premiered to wild applause from Robin Williams in the performer’s famed Los Angeles pantry.
“Seriously, this Robin Williams man should be the head of the support group ‘creepy white guys anonymous,’” stated Williams, speaking into a microphone plugged into a low-lying outlet in the pitch-black enclosure. “He talks at the speed of light, sweats through his clothes, and the last time he ordered a prostitute, she paid each of his personalities not to have sex with her. Zing-o!”
Williams, addressing the darkness from his cardboard-box podium, went on record to report that Julliard had begged the actor to take his tuition money back after the release of the feature film “RV.”
“Hey, Aladdin’s Genie, grant me three wishes. My first wish: staple Robin Williams’s mouth shut,” continued Williams, addressing the sold-out pantry shelves filled with dried pasta and Crystal Light packets. “My second wish: grant me the mountains of cocaine from Robin Williams’ past, in dump trucks if you have to. Wish numero tres: give me three more wishes. Wait no, I take that back. Let’s get him some shirts that aren’t Hanes black t-shirts.”
“You feelin it, Williams? You feeling the burn?” echoed the disembodied voice of Williams, into the dark void.
“Robin Williams is both a talented actor and a loving third-time’s-the-charm husband,” concluded Williams, tripping over his microphone chord. “He’s making me look like an absolutely schizophrenic stand-up. Knock it off, you beautiful asshole.”
“The Comedy Central Roast of Robin Williams, Sponsored by Robin Williams,” is slated to air next week, and every week after, for the next 30 years.
