Partly Cloudy, 64°
At approximately 6 a.m., Providence resident Franklin Porter found himself driving behind a sweaty, slow-moving sack of pity, and reportedly considered doing the struggling man a favor.
“He looks like he’s going to go into cardiac arrest regardless of what I do,” thought Porter, tightening his hands around the wheel. “Do I owe it to him to make his final moments on this earth both as quick and as painless as possible?”
Witnesses noted that the dragging mess-of-a-man in question repeatedly attempted to resuscitate himself by pouring his water bottle, or only chance of survival, all over his balding head and grimacing face to little effect. The wobbly-limbed roadblock’s double knee braces, sweat-saturated “1999 Providence 5K” t-shirt, and repeated exhales through clenched teeth served as a glaring reminder to how easy helping those in need can really be, and how rarely it is done.
“This poor guy probably thinks this morning crawl is going to prolong his life,” Porter concluded. “Unless this glorified hobble is him running away from his house that is currently on fire, this rapidly aging, pathetic excuse for a man is wrong in every way possible. If I were him, I would have started begging drivers to end the pain at least an hour ago.”
At press time, Porter was unable to comment, as he was considering the moral implications of killing an early-morning, two-person Segway tour of local strip malls.
